Yet another year passes......

As I type this, I try to hole back the tears....


Another year for the books, more tears that were shed, more heartache and broken promises. The past week I have been in an emotional bubble and couldn't find a needle to just pop.

December 24, 2010 was the first due date my doctor gave be before my ultrasound. I can't believe that I would have probably had my baby by now, if I hadn't miscarried in May. Sometimes I day dream about how if things were different......what our baby would look like, what clever nicknames we would have for our miracle, what life would be like with all night feedings and cat naps to try to get the energy to even cook. Oh, how I wish my life were that way right now. I would give anything to have one more chance, and a doctor that would have listened to me when I told him I wanted to get on medicine.

......oh, boy! Here come the tears.....................

I can not believe that it has been almost 6yrs since hubby and I have decided to have a baby. Where has the time gone! More importantly, please God tell me what I need to change to finally have our long awaited miracle. I have grown closer to You, than I have ever been in my 24yrs of life. Sometimes I feel like this is a horrible nightmare that I will wake up from, no matter how much I want it to be the case I know its not. I can only pray for our miracle and continue to keep faith.

I know in my heart that God has a miracle in my future and all I could do is try to be patient......

Nightmare on TTC Street... 10/30/2010

This week has been one crazy yet mainly horrible week. Started out band and now that its Saturday I hope it starts to change. Oh, and to top it off Friday (yesterday) my laptop gave up working. I called Jessica to see if Ben can look at it. I hope its fix able. :-/

On to my cycle....bfn! Nope not pregnant what's new right?!?!? Today I am actually on CD3 AF isn't supposed to show until today or tomorrow but she actually showed up early on Thursday. How I wished and prayed on everything that I would have gotten pregnant...

There's not much more to say. I am upset and sick of it all. Time for bed and praying for a better start tomorrow!
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MIRACLES DO EXIST...... 10/26/2010

Today I met Kassie's &Mando's princess Kaylee she is so perfect and precious! She was born October 25, 2010 at 3:07PM 6lbs 11oz and 23inches long (all from memory Kassie if you read this please correct me if I am wrong). I know what they went through to have her. I have been and still am in their foot steps.

Yesterday when Mando updated me about her water being broke, being 6cm, then 7-8cm, and getting the delivery table ready I was in tears! I have never felt like that for someone before, this time it was different. This time I was not jealous because Kassie was pregnant and not me, this time I did not 'forget' about the baby shower. This time I was there for her as soon as I found out. It didn't matter that at that time I was pregnant, what mattered was the struggle she endured to get where she is at now......a proud mommy!

When I met this precious angel I held back the tears and was in complete awe! I felt like I was in heaven and no one or nothing could bring me down. At first I didn't want to hold her so soon in fear that I would just cry my heart out but after a while I couldn't resist. My heart completely melted in more ways than I can keep track of. For once I was truly moved by such a great gift from God. Don't get me wrong I am always moved by these gifts but this time it was different that its just to hard to explain. Kassie if you ever read this I think you know what I am saying.

The whole time being there with Kassie, Mando and princess Kaylee I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. Even though she isn't mine she has be wrapped around her heart. I feel that much closer to our miracle.

Today I would have been 30wks pregnant and on the final count down to the arrival of our miracle. Unfortunately God had other plans for our angel. At times I get very sad and shut people out about what's going on my mind and other times I try to hide what's going on deep down inside to make others laugh. But not a day goes by that I don't think about what would have happened if things were different. Maybe God was trying to tell me something or maybe God just wanted me to think differently about my past. Whatever it is I am still searching for the answers. Though I am better now with giving thanks to everything and I feel like my relationship with His has gotten stronger than it has been before. I don't know maybe that is what He wanted me to do before I can reach the next step. Now I look at life differently and changed for the better mentally.

I know one day God will put His miracle working hands over us so that we finally have our long awaited baby. I will never give up faith in His powers, even though sometimes I feel like giving up something in the back of my mind/heart won't let me truly shout down all hope/faith.

With the birth of Kaylee I have gotten that reassurance that MIRACLES DO EXIST.......its just that mind is waiting for the perfect time. I will continue to go strong no matter what because in the end it is all well worth it.

"The longest journey begins with a single step..."

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!
2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!

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Phantom Symptoms.........

Today I am CD31 according to last month I was expecting AF yesterday and nothing yet. So I went to the dollar tree to get a pregnancy test and decided it was time to test. I have not been charting at all but I always keep a mental note of when to expect AF especially because I need to call the doctor the second I find out I am pregnant to get on the Heparin and Progesterone. I tried not to get my hopes up at all but out of nowhere I would get these symptoms and start comparing to my previous pregnancy. I started to have heartburn, exhaustion, hungry at all hours of the day, and mood swings. With all that in mind I ended up getting my hopes up too high! I tested and it was negative! I thought by now I would be used to negative pregnancy tests...now more than ever it hurts to see one line. Today I would have been 26wks pregnant but now I am here hoping for a miracle that seems more like a dream than reality. I think I am just going to go outside and let the tears come out. Hubby is in our bedroom watching TV and cunado David is in his room, I don't want him to know whats going on. Hubby told me to wait and see if there was a second line after the three minutes and out of anger/hurt I just threw it down the toilet. In May when I took the pregnancy test within 2 seconds the second line came up and it was VERY dark. I can't believe that just a few months ago I had tears in my eyes because after 5yrs our prayers were answered. And now.......I have tears in my eyes because there is only one line. Infertility has shaken my faith...........


What goes up, must come down.

Life got in the way...

I haven't updated this in a long time. I have been extremely busy with life so much has gone on since I updated last. I can't believe September is almost over! Seriously!!! This year has flown by extremely fast! Yesterday was the 5yr Angel anniversary of our second baby Jesus. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday that we were finding out we were pregnant and loosing our baby. On the 26th it will be four months since our precious baby G grew wings.

I sometimes look back at everything that has happened in my life and just want to cry from all the hurt, pain, broken dreams, and everything that has went wrong in my life. Instead I am working harder to get to that finish line that we have been waiting to get to since 2005. At times I blame myself for everything that is going wrong, but I have been trying my hardest to take them as lessons that needed to be learned.

So as far a trying to conceive...I haven't been charting, temping, or checking anything. We do whatever we want, when we want to do it. In a sense it is a HUGE relief because we are putting it in God's hands and not stressing over every OPK or 'symptom' that I have. The only thing is that I have to jot down the date of my last AF every time so that I can beaware if when I should start to test if she doesn't come around the next month. So that if I am pregnant (God willing) I can call the specialist and tell him that I need an Rx for the medicine.

Oh, yea I forgot to mention about my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist. On Sept 14th I had my first appt with the MFM and we went over my history then he told me what the plans are for future pregnancies which are:

-Baby Aspirin 1x EVERYDAY
-Heparin EVERYDAY
-Progesterone 100mg
-bi-weekly appts
-measuring my cervix
-possible Cervical Cerclage after 1st trimester

He also had me get blood work done on these:

-Protein C Activity
-Protein S Activity
-Antithrombin III activity
-Prothrombin "Poort" [G20210A] Gene Mutation
-Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR)
-Antithrombin III Antigen
-anti-ß2-Glycoprotein IgG/IgM
-Fasting Homocysteine


He told me that even though these test come back normal that we are still going to be doing the Heparin and Baby Aspirin. I thank God for sending us this great doctor, one that listened to all of my concerns. worries, fears, and addressed each one! THANKS BE TO GOD!!! I am extremely excited in working with the doctor and praying that it will lead to a healthy nine months of pregnancy!

With that being said on Sunday when I was in church they made an announcement that they were looking for Catechist for the CCD program, I was so excited! I have been wanting to be a CCD teacher and I felt like God was making this announcement directly to me! Right after the mass ended I spoke with Skip and signed up, yesterday I went to fill out paperwork, today we have a meeting all the teachers and assistants, and Saturday I have to take a class in order to start teaching on Sunday. I am so excited! This is going to be a great way to get more active in our church and religion. I am already an active member but I want to do more and they always say 'you have to give to receive' well that is what I am doing. THANKS BE TO GOD!

Well that is all for right now. There wasn't much to update on, I am starting to get back in the swing of things so that I can finally write on here more often, after all this is what I am going to be looking back on.

"Sometimes God just wants us to listen"

"Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"

-Karate Kid-

Specialist Appointment (MFM)

Physically healing, mentally...not sure... 7/29/2010

Today is CD1, yesterday I could feel like AF was on her way. Well when I got home from getting some blood drawn at Dr M's office, sure enough she was here. Physically and mentally I am glad she showed up without having to be put on medicine.

Though, I am not sure if I was 100% mentally ready for AF to show. I know physically my body was ready for AF so that I would get that much closer to our miracle. But mentally, I am crushed because I know I should be 17wks and 2days pregnant, in my second trimester where the risks of miscarriage are less. Instead here I am on CD1 trying to keep sane and plan for the future.

I am left with questions right now about how and when to start planing again. We don't want another 5yrs to pass and not be able to get pregnant. We also don't want others to look down on us for trying too soon. I know its our choice and when it feels right we will know. Its just that we don't have that support from some people in our lives. For right now we have some sort of idea of when to start trying but I am not sure if we are going to let those close to us know when we plan. We have said that when we find out we are pregnant (God willing), that we are going to keep it to ourselves for a few weeks and not tell those in our lives that don't show support, until the third trimester that we are expecting. We believe they have no right what so ever to be included in our joy. These are the family members that didn't call to see how we were, the ones that told us not to tell anyone because we would jinx ourselves, nor to be happy/plan for our baby. Those people have lost out. Only those that were there would be included in our plans as well as our friends that we consider family in our eyes that have shown support.

So for now, its CD1 and I am having mixed emotions on this day. I know with the time I will get stronger its just that I just wish I would be still pregnant. And only God knows why. We believe our hearts that we will be blessed in God's time.


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A great reminder...

"We have
Promises to keep
And miles to go
Before we sleep..."

-Robert Frost


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POAS...

Today is 19 days past my d&c, yesterday I asked my midwife to order for a hormone check to make sure I am at zero so I can start charting again that way when I go to the Genetic Specialist I can have some temps charted for her. Which our appointment is on the 19th of this month (the waiting is killing me!), I am praying I get AF by then so there is no delay in any testing. Well back to my story, I decided to take a Dollar Store test and.....

Yes! You guessed it BFN! Now I know that I should be getting AF sometime soon. I pray w/i a week or two so I can be on the road to physical recovery! And hopefully God willing down the line be able to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy. I am putting all my Faith in God that he will give us all the resources we need to finally get that.

Right now I can have a sigh of relief that at least my hormones or back down and take the next step.


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Wishing...wishes come true...

I really don't listen to the radio or music in English but these lyrics stick out to me, been through a lot lately and sometimes I wish that it was easier to have wishes come true. I know that life will always have its ups and downs but sometimes it feels like we are stuck in the downs......:

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
-B.O.B.~ Airplanes-




The past two days I feel like I am getting depressed no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I even told hubby that I miss being pregnant, and it is true, though it was for a short time I was the happiest when I was pregnant. We looked at cribs, bedding, clothes, had TONS of hopes and dreams. 


Forever I will have those words pounded into my memory:


"I could't find a heartbeat" -ultrasound tech 17JUN10-


Now all we can do is pray out to our (now three) Heavenly Angel Babies and tell them how much we love them, how much we miss them, how much we wish we could celebrate their arrival, birthdays and holidays. 


It is hard for me to see pregnant woman, hear about a baby shower, celebrating 1st birthday's, 1st everything's, etc. I know with time it will get easier (never 100%) for us to celebrate these occasions, as for now its too heartbreaking to see others do what we were dreaming of doing just a week ago. 


I know that it probably isn't the smartest thing to do, but, I sometimes just gather a list of songs that feel like they were written for me in this time of hurt, pain, and suffering. Its a good therapy for me other than holding it all in and letting this weight get heavier for me to handle, I even sing a long and when the song is over I feel a little better.


I think at least once a week I will use a song to help me write down my feelings so that in the future I can look back and remember the hardships I was in and how I overcame them or made them better.

Withdraw...

Here I am its 2:12AM and I am still up, I am not even a little tried. All through out my pregnancy I was so tired that by 8PM I was ready for bed and by 10PM I was in bed, now its a different story I am 'back' to my usual sleeping routine and it is very depressing at times. Though it has only happened twice already since my D&C, I still can't help but think back to when I was pregnant and how things were so different then. I haven't prayed much in the last 3-4 nights though I am taking my prenatal vitamins again (only for the last 3 nights), so I am not sure if it has something to do with the fact that I still think I will wake up from this nightmare and still be pregnant.

We had our appointment with Father David and it went great, I thought I would break down and cry but I held back. I found out something about hubby though, when he is at work or not by my side he is worried that I am doing something to harm myself. Which kind of surprised me in a way, reason being, with our first two miscarriages I fell into depression so fast that I shout everyone out. So he thought that this was the last straw for me, and I don't blame him. I actually thought it was, I was ready to give up that I text'd David on the day we found out I miscarried and told him that I can not fight anymore, I felt like I did not have the strength to do anything not even survive the surgery. Little did I know what was ahead of me, though I am still hurt and suffering I do not let it get to me like I have in the past. I keep myself busy and I plan for our future pregnancy, planing out everything we need to have done in the 1st trimester, which doctors are best for us, when we are going to tell anyone about our pregnancy, and so on. Don't get me wrong I am suffering and hurt that we lost our baby, and in NO way am I trying to 'replace' our baby we lost, I am just simply planning ahead and educating myself on the possibilities and what needs to be done. I do not want to feel helpless and go without a fight! We deserve to have a healthy baby just like any other person out there. And in a sense this is my way of keeping myself from getting depressed.

Now that I have gotten this off my chest I am going to go lay down next to the love of my life and give him a HUGE hug and kiss! For he has been my strength through this all. He was held me tight when I have had my break downs and he has showed me that this has only made our love and marriage stronger. THANKS BE TO GOD!

 "Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"

-Karate Kid-

Tired of disappointments...

I would have never thought in my 24yrs of life that I would be where I am now. I have never pictured myself struggling to get pregnant and suffering from now three miscarriages. There are so many people in my life right now that do not want to have children or abort their pregnancies and its WAY easier for them to get pregnant. But here I am going month after month hoping and praying. And after our prayer is answered we suffer by losing our baby.

Later today we have a meeting with Father David that he set up for us. He called me on Saturday to see how I was doing and apologized because he couldn't get back to me before my d&c, after I told him that its a hard time for us right now, we are losing Faith, and I am going back into the darkness he told me he wanted to meet with Manny and me. I agreed because I really need some guidance right now, I do not want to go into the darkness again. Something that took me 4yrs to get out of. I know God has a plan for us and He will bless us with a healthy baby soon.

As soon as we talk with Father David I will be reflecting off of what he will tell us. I may even go to confession and confess my anger that I have had towards God, I know He does things because he has a plan for us and I need to accept that, which I am beginning to do.

All day Monday while Manny was working I was alone and I am proud to say that I did not have a break down. I kept myself busy watching videos on YouTube and checking in on FaceBook, I am surprised that it worked for me. With my past miscarriages I grew depressed right away and never left my bed, this is a HUGE step for me. I know that this shows strength and that God is next to me holding my hand.

I give THANKS to God that I have Manny by my side. He is the greatest husband and father to our Heavenly Angels!

Life will knock you down. You can choose whether to get back up.
-Karate Kid-


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On my mind........6/19/2010

My cuts will heal, my bruises will fade but this emptiness in my heart/womb will never be healed. For the day we give birth to our first living child...it will NEVER replace the three Angels we have lost. We are proud parents of three Heavenly Angels unfortunately God had other plans for them rather than for them to be here on Earth with us.

Will we ever catch a break!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

Seriously I am fed up with all of the challenges we have been put through! I feel like we are getting punished for something, and we have NO clue what for! Seriously! Why did it have to go this far!!! We have been through two miscarriages back to back in 2005 and after 5YRS of not being able to conceive when we do...we have a miscarriage!

This is getting old! I am mentally and physically tired of going through this over and over! With this pregnancy I ASK my OB to check my progesterone levels because I am always having a miscarriage at 8 weeks or a little before! And that OB told me that has nothing to do with my pregnancy! Seriously! Why won't they listen to me? The doctor actually laughed in my face so I switched to a different office..a little too late without us knowing our baby stopped growing at 8w1d. I have so many questions and no answers. When we have our follow up with our specialist I am going to ask him all the questions I have and pray he has answers! We are going to continue trying to conceive after we are given the green light to do so. As soon as we get pregnant we are requesting to go to the best specialist in our area. Maybe then someone will actually listen to us!

Life will knock you down. You can choose whether to get back up.

Too good to be true written 6/17/2010

May 5,2010 was the happiest day of our lives this year. We found out we were pregnant after 5 LONG years of trying! Out of the blue God answered our prayers. Today I would have been 11 weeks 2days pregnant. Little did we know that at 8 weeks and 1 day we lost our baby. Today we had an ultrasound all we seen was an 8w old baby, no heartbeat. I should have known this pregnancy was too good to be true! After all the praying, all the Faith, and giving thanks it still wasn't enough to keep our baby growing inside. I am slipping into the darkness very fast. Something that took me 4yrs to get out of is sucking me back in. I want to keep faith and know that everything will be alright but I know its not. For tomorrow I have a scheduled surgery to help my body get back to 'normal'. After 5yrs I actually thought it was our turn. That things were working in our favor. Little did we know what was to come. We don't know why this keeps happening and we pray for answers. You know when I was younger my dream was to find the perfect partner, get married and start a family. I did not know nor plan for being here in 2010 having had 3 miscarriages already. Some people have told me not to get excited, don't tell anyone, don't get attached because you will only 'jinx' yourself. Do we not deserve to be happy while we are pregnant? Is it a sin to have a want and need for a child? What have we done to deserve this? I guess we will never know the truth. All we can do is mourn for our loss. It isn't fair! There are many that take pregnancies, children for granted. That isn't us! We have longed for our perfect family, instead we sit here and wonder why. Tuesday hubby took me to see Karate Kid and there was one line that stuck out to me: "life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not" I do not know where we go from here. If we continue or just walk away. All I know if that this is an extremely hard time for us right now. And we thank those that TRULY have been there for us. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. Until next time...
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God is always here...

Through the years, tears, heartache, pain, disappointment, and everything in between no matter how hard I have thought I had it I am grateful for everything God has taught me.  I know that god has a plan for us and I have put all of my Faith in Him, that He will do what is best for us.  

Tomorrow we have a doctor appointment, we are praying that everything goes well. No matter what is to come I know none of this would have been possible without God.  GOD IS GOOD!

Were will this road lead me?

As I lay here before going to be I can't help but think about what is next for us. Here I am at the end of my 2ww and I am confused. I have had different symptoms:

-nausea
-tender breasts
-achy nipples

I try not to associate them with 'pregnancy' symptoms, but it is hard. The other day I had brown spotting and the last 2-3 days mucus discharge with very light pink. Though my temps have stayed normal I have not clue what is next. Is my body just playing a trick on me? Is God showing my there is more to listening to you body than trying to associate everything with pregnancy?

This is where I am confused. Right before I layed down I went to the bathroom and wiped there was mucus with pinkish tint. What does that mean? Why can't I just be like others and enjoy this 2ww rather than analyzing everything?

I guess I will not have the answers to these questions until I truly know what the outcome is.

LETS GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!


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Really...

As I lay here in bed I try to keep my head up and believe we still have a chance. I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and the brown spotting like discharge showed up. This time with a little mucus. all these thoughts run through my head and all I can think about, our anniversary and hubby's birthday is ruined. AF hasn't started and according to my positive OPK I should be around 8dpo (right now I am starting to get dull cramps not necessarily AF-like). As for now I will but my trust in God and have Faith that our miracle is soon to come.

LETS GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!
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Mixed signals

Today at around 11AM I went to the washroom and when I wiped there was a little bit of brown discharge.  Hmmmmm...why must my body send me mixed signals? I still have FAITH that our miracle is right around the corner for us. I will not give up and I will not be defeated!

Today I was on Twitter and I seen that someone put, 'If God were a woman, she would have never put us through the torture and hell of infertility'. I disagree with this statement (we are all entitled to our own opinions and beliefs), I honestly believe going through infertility is not a way of punishment or anything negative. I believe that it is a lesson that God is teaching us into learning about our bodies, changing our life style, to have Faith in Him to bring us through those trouble waters. I know that infertility puts a stress on any relationship, Faith, life, family and everything in between but if we sit there and blame God for what we are going through then we are only hurting ourselves. For many years I have turned my back on God, ran away from Him, blamed Him for all of the failing months and now that I have changed that I have been building a better relationship with Him. I stopped looking at my years of failed attempts to have a baby a punishment but rather a way of Him teaching me that I need to trust in Him, have Faith, and learn from the lessons He puts in front of me.

Its funny I started this posting at 11:11PM and now it is 12:30AM (Marlena called me and we were talking) today hubby turned 27 & we celebrate 6 wonderful years of marriage. Well, time for bed.

As time goes by

I can't believe it tomorrow April 30th hubby will be turning 27 and we will be celebrating our 6yr wedding anniversary! It is crazy how time flies by. I thank God for sending my this wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with. Though we have our ups and downs (just like every other couple) we are deeply in love with each other.

As far as our TTC, I am currently in the 2ww. I am not going to test until around Cinco de Mayo (this is when hubby and I met in 2003, we got our first apartment in 2004, and found out I was pregnant 2005). I have tried not getting my hopes up but too late, they are WAY up there. I have tried to keep busy by working on a chipboard album, but I still slip up and start daydreaming about being pregnant.

We are at Mejier and we came across baby size soccer balls and hubby looked at me and said, 'when you find out that you are pregnant I am going to buy this. My baby is going to play like me.' I am not going to lie, seeing the hope and joy in his eyes made me believe I may be pregnant.

Its crazy how little things in life get you thinking. Well time for bed hubby has class in a few hours.


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Results (Pregnancy/OPK)

Top is the pregnancy test and the bottom is the OPK.
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Confused.............

So today I am supposed to be on CD9 but I am not.....hmmmmm. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative (an internet cheapie), so I took an OPK and to my surprise it was a FULL BLOWN positive! So what is going on??? Hmmmmm. I never really got a positive OPK earlier this cycle so could this be that I ovulated very late??? I am beyond confused and at this point grateful that I have at least another shot of getting this BFP that I have prayed for almost 5yrs. So what is next? I am full of questions that I can not answer, the last few days here are my symptoms:

-cervical mucus (not really paying attention to the consistency)
-dull, achy cramps
-flutters
-dizziness if I go longer than 3hrs w/o eating
-tiredness

WOW! This is one confusing cycle. As soon as hubby gets home I am going to let him know what is going on and we will continue to Baby Dance. I will not be taking another pregnancy test till after Cinco de Mayo, if we conceive then that will be the 5yr mark of us finding out we were pregnant with my Angel Guadalupe.

I have a lot to reflect on and don't know where to begin, I will be taking this day by day and hope for nothing but the best.  I think I am going to record a vlog later today or tomorrow and let everyone know what is going on and probably take a break from making TTC videos for a few days. It will finally give me the chance to record my questions and answers videos and random vlogs.

As for now I am going to continue to update here (hopefully) daily so that if we indeed conceive I can look back at this someday and be able to show my future child that was going on around this time.

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEARS!!!

Never alone...

So a few weeks ago while in church I was hearing Father David's Homily and out of no where my eyes filled with tears, and the miraculous part is that I felt like God was sitting next to me holding my hand and letting me know that He has always been there even when I turned my back on Him. Ever since that day I have changed for the best and reflect on my daily challenges.  Remember when you feel you are alone in this world always look up to God and remember you are not alone, For He is right next to you holding your hand.

Just when I started seeing that light at the end of the tunnel............

So now we are in the waiting game, I pray that the doctors say it is NOT cancer and do what they have to do! Our family has been through so much! And I know God will be there every step of the way.

PLEASE GOD GIVE US THIS MIRACLE WE ASK OF YOU! I ALREADY LOST A BROTHER IN LAW LAST YEAR I CAN NOT BEAR TO LOOSE MY MOMMY!!!


Today I went to Lela's to pick up a memory card that my Tio Carlos wanted me to broadcast a video for him, when I got there my mommy was in the kitchen making carne with our favorite ingredients.  I asked her where everyone was at and she told me that my daddy and my sisters went to Eli's to take Moo and Anny back home and everyone else was working.  I sat there and waited for a while and the next part was SHOCKING!!!

Out of no where my mommy told me that the doctor found tumors (it was later that I found out it was about 5-7) and that I was in denial. I said to her what!?!?!?!?! She said they took out one before and I lied to her and told her I never knew she had some, (per daddy's request...one day daddy told me when he was taking me some where I can't remember where it was a few years ago, he didn't want us to worry and said that is why mommy didn't say anything to us).

...She didn't get to tell me in detail what the doctor told her because my daddy and sisters got back.  I didn't want to keep asking her. So when I got home after Manny and I went to return the movies to RedBox, went to dinner (Chinese), and to WalMart for some other things, I text'd her to ask her: "Okay you didn't finish telling me about what the dr said." Her response was (exactly how she txt'd it): "Im on line."

As soon as I finished doing what I was doing I hopped on FaceBook and sent her the message again and here is our chat:

Me (9:09PM)

okay so what did the doctor say

9:11pmMe

are you there

hello

hello

helll

hello************

9:12pmBlanca

YA

YA

YA

9:12pmMe

lol

9:13pmBlanca

DAM UR SLOW !!!!

9:13pmMe

lol i had to wash my hands hahahaha

9:13pmBlanca

SICKO

SICKO

SICKO

SICKO

9:15pmBlanca

he just said that i have 5to 7 tumers. had to go get blood work done. and that would tell him if thier cancer.

9:17pmMe

what!?!?!?!?!?

9:17pmBlanca

what don't u understand !!!! slow person.

9:19pmMe

no but i thought they took out everything last time you still have your ovaries

9:20pmBlanca

yes & my cervix too. so I might loss EVERTHING NOW.

9:21pmMe

 dont worry mommy God is going to hep you through this and will always be there to hold our hands

9:23pmBlanca

thaxs mija. u and ur siserts need to stop fightting like cats & dogs !!!! and start getting a long more. cause u never know whats around the coner.

9:24pmMe

I know that is what I have been telling them. They dont listen to me at all

9:25pmBlanca

it sure dosnt look like to me. but keep trying.

9:26pmMe

i will mommy did you tell them at lelas

9:27pmBlanca

ya. she knows . shes upset .

9:29pmMe

 dont worry mommy we have faith that we will only get good news

9:29pmBlanca

yes we will. well i have to go now mija. in pain. have to take my meds. good night.

u there????

9:31pmMe

good night mommy sweet dreams sleep with the angels

9:31pmBlanca

you too mija. MOM LOGING OUT !!!! LOL. LAMO.

 

9:32pmMe

lol  good night

9:32pmBlanca

LOVE U TOO GOOD NIGHT.

10:35pmBlanca is offline.

So now we are in the waiting game, I pray that the doctors say it is NOT cancer and do what they have to do! Our family has been through so much! And I know God will be there every step of the way. 

PLEASE GOD GIVE US THIS MIRACLE WE ASK OF YOU! I ALREADY LOST A BROTHER IN LAW LAST YEAR I CAN NOT BEAR TO LOOSE MY MOMMY!!! 

PLEASE keep my mommy and family in your thoughts and prayers!

9:11p

Grateful

One day when my prayers come true I will look up to the Heavens and thank God. For this journey has been long, and only He knows when it will end. I am now and always will be grateful for everything He has taught me about giving life.

-Lydia
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Hmmmm...

Well today I am 8 days late for AF. Last cycle I was 4 1/2 days late. That the heck is going on with my body?!?!

I AM NOT TESTING...
I AM NOT TESTING...
I AM NOT TESTING...

I went to Wal Mart today and bought a box of EPT pregnancy tests (the same brand I used when I got my BFP in 2005) and a box of pads (just in case). I am really praying for this to be it!

5yrs ago this same month of April, I got pregnant! Can you believe it?!?! 5yrs already!!! If I am pregnant this would be a great birthday/wedding anniversary gift for my husband! Granted I didn't find out till May 5, 2005, but it still was a great gift for both of us.

God please answer our prayers.

These past few days I have been trying to relax and not think about 'what if'. It is a hard challenge but I know I can hold out for a few more days.

Well, good night. I'll write more in the 'morning'.

LETS GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The story of my life...

Well today is just another day I guess...

At 12:50AM, while at Denny's with my best friend Marlena I went to the bathroom for the umphteen million time today. And when I wiped I seen mucus discharge with red-orange spotting. For the past few days I had my doubts about being pregnant. Well now I am convinced!

Ugh! The story of my life I guess!

So according to some insensitive people, I am supposed to be used to it and not feel so hurt. Because I don't have any (living) children, I don't know what hurt and frustration is when I see negative pregnancy tests month after month. WRONG!!!

I have been TTC for going on 5yrs with NO known 'issues'. I have cried so many times, blamed the world, given up so many times, shut the world out, rebelled, and many more. So how can someone that has NOT been in my shoes know how or what I feel? (Someone mind you that has been TTC for about a year, has a child, and refuses to seek help). Yea, so now you know why I brought it up. UGH!

I am going to end this because if I don't I know I will start calling people out. And I am not here to do that. I make this blog for myself and my followers. I am here to get my emotions down so that when I start that new chapter I can look back and be thankful (not like I wouldn't be) for everything God has blessed me with.

Good night and God bless!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The longest journey begins with a single step...

Today is CD7 so AF started 4 1/2 days late and decided to show her ugly face last Sunday.  I honestly cried, I thought I was going to be okay with not being pregnant because we only baby danced twice last cycle.  But deep down inside side me when AF was late I seriously got my hopes up.  

It was weird because I actually has symptoms that I haven't had in the past before AF was going to show.  they were:

-oily skin on my forehead and nose

-increased sex drive

-craving tuna all the time (I really don't like tuna to the point where I will crave it at all)

-hard to figure out what will satisfy my hunger

-dull cramps

Once I went over these symptoms when I was on CD33 (3/11/2010) and being that I was late, that right there set off the alarms in my body and mind to actually think I was pregnant.  Even though the pregnancy tests can back negative I still had that little thread of hope.  

So when she came it hit me like a tin of bricks!  Now I am over that phase and decided to at least TTC for this cycle.  I have been keeping up with my temps as well as I am going to be doing the OPKs and checking my cervix.  

So there you have it we are still trying for the time being...

I am done!

This is hard for me to type while I fight the tears, I don't want my hubby to see me like this.  He is in the next room watching TV and I am here on the laptop.

This has been one fucked up battle with trying to get pregnant!  I am tired of all the let downs!  I am tired of being 'alone' in this, I have no one that is close to me that I can turn to (other than my hubby).  We have been through so much and for what!  To see everyone else in the world get pregnant.  I tried to hold a positive attitude about this but I am exhausted and feel like I can honestly sleep the rest of my life away.  I feel this is no longer my battle to win but to add on the wall of shame.

I am seriously sick and tired of it all.  I have not talked to my hubby about this and am terrified to do so.  I don't want to fail him as a wife but at the same time with us getting our hopes up I am only hurting him even more than just walking away from the disappointments.  I don't know where to begin to explain to anyone or myself why I have choose to take the loosing route, but I feel it is for the best.

I know right now I feel like this but in a few months who knows I may change my mind...believe me that has happened to me in the past.  I in my heart really don't want to give up but my mind is telling me to let go.  I am stuck between a dark spot in my life and trying to find that light at the end of the tunnel (if it even exists).  I just wish it was easier than it is said than done.

Who knows after I sleep it off I may just wake up feeling better about myself and continue the battle.  This is a hard call to make.  I am going to 'sleep' on the thought and update when I wake up.  Hopefully I feel better, I just wish there was an easier way to know what our future holds.

...until next time...


(TO BE CONTINUED)

Waiting on AF

Today would of been CD1 (seeing as my cycles are 31 days), but AF has yet to arrive. I took a pregnancy test on CD30 and it was negative so I just think its because the month of February was short.

I am praying that if I am not pregnant (I am hoping for a false negative too) my cycles don't become irregular. It is hard not to get my hopes up either. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So we will see what is to come. I am hoping for the best and pray that I find the strength that I need to continue my journey.


LETS GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!



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Life doesn't go as planned...

Looking back at the past 7yrs with my husband I have realized that the plans, goals, and dreams we have had are just thoughts in our minds.  As the years pass it gets harder and harder to make them come true.  By now if we didn't have a miscarriage in 2005 we would have had a 4yr old running around, and who knows maybe another one too.  But life doesn't always turn out the way that we want them too.

Here we are going on 5yrs of Trying To Conceive with false hopes, broken hearts, stress, tears, and loosing faith.  It shouldn't be this hard to accomplish our dreams, I mean come on now! We are not studying to be a doctor or an Astronaut!  We are trying to have a baby, that for some comes in a blink of an eye.

Yesterday i finally admitted to myself that this is putting a lot of stress on my marriage and faith in my religion.  I have over the years gotten closer to God that I have ever been with in the past.  In the past if you were to ask me if I believe in God, I would tell you, "I believe in Him, but I don't always agree with Him."

Until yesterday I didn't really know what that meant until I was filling out a form for my church and that is when it hit me hard.  God will not always give us what we want, He will make us work for it and the more precious it is the harder He will challenge us.

But here are my questions, why would God challenge us so hard that it will consume our lives, and question our faith?  Wouldn't God want us to reflect on our challenges vs blaming our challenges on Him, not loving us enough to give us what we believe we deserve?  Why would he push us to the point that we blame not only ourselves but our spouses as well?

In getting this out in the open I am going to set an appointment up with Father David for sometime this week or his next available day to go over my concerns, questions, and doubts in my faith.  I know in my heart (rather it'd be realistic or a fantasy) that we are going to be a family and finally have the baby that we have been preparing for.

I think I just need that reassuring nudge in the right direction (if that makes any sense).  In the mean time I will do daily reflections in prayer and hope that it will teach me how to look at every challenge that God puts before me and realize that it is only building my relationship with Him vs against Him.

My cousin and daddy told me that Father David said in his homily yesterday, "We all have wolves in us battling-a good and a bad."  bringing me to my reflection for today, I am going to battle this evil I have deep within and prove to myself that I no longer need to look at the bad in everything but rather look for the good and embrace it.  In saying that I am going to try with all my heart to feed only the good.


Saturday, someone came to my door to get me to convert to another religion (something I will never do).  After a brief explanation of his religion and me denying the invitation, he asked me something that has stuck to me.  he asked, "Do you believe when you die will you go to Heaven where life is eternal."  I had to think about that but quickly said YES.  Then he asked me "How do you know that?"  It took me by surprise but I quickly answered I know my family will pray for me to find my home to God's Eternal Garden.  Then he said, "We should never relay on someone to push us in the right direction, we should in our hearts want to be there.  We are not perfect for this we sin, no man on this earth hasn't ever sinned. We are all humans and we shouldn't deny the fact that we have sinned, but rather reflect on it, and confess our sins to Him."  He then asked me if I have ever sinned and I said yes, I am not perfect and he said.  "Exactly!  God is the only one that has never sinned and he knows that we are going to make mistakes and he will always forgive them.  So we shouldn't automatically think that we can shut him out of our lives and expect for us to go to God's Eternal Garden when we die when we have denied his presence all along."


In this man saying this to me (and it couldn't be at a more perfect time in my life) I have reflected in my actions over the years of trying.  I have come to realize by me taking advantage of my body and not listening to it when it has told me I needed a break that someone bigger than me will help me realize that.  And that wonderful person is GOD.  No one else in the world knows what he has planned for me but HIM.  All I can do is work on my relationship with Him and build a better understanding of what he is trying to teach me in my everyday life.  


Everyday I wake up and take my temperature, when I check my body for possible signs of ovulation, or waiting to find out if we have reached our next goal I will do this with a smile in my heart.  Because God woke me up that day and taught me my time will come.  








LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!

A long awaited update

Isn't it funny how I do updates frequently then all of a sudden out of no where I go missing?

This time it is very different, believe me I tired to update numerous times.

Let's review shall we:

-the end of January we decided to move.
-we got approved for this apartment in which we are at now on January 29th only 5 days after we decided to move.
-we had to give the old landlord a 30 day notice so I was running all over town trying to get a notarized letter and serve it to him.
-February 2nd we signed the contract for this apartment. And started moving things over.
-through out the first 2 1/2 weeks of this month we were bringing things over little by little.
-instead of using boxes for everything I just bought plastic bins and filled them with things and bring them to our new apartment and unload it.
-my birthday was on the 21st and we had a birthday party on the 20th for my niece and nephew.

This list doesn't begin to cover our daily activities. Which would bore you. So you see we have been busy.

Anyways so its estimated that I ovulated on CD16 which was the 22nd. As of now I am in the 2ww, this cycle I was doing my temps and using my monitor but with the move I just got way too busy. If I did ovulate on CD16 then as of now on February 26th I am 4DPO.

I keep forgetting that I am in the 2ww because I really didn't chart and we literally only baby danced twice. If we do in fact get pregnant than I would be due in November. I pray that this is it for us, but only God knows for sure. I have Faith in Him and know my time is soon to come.

So let's see what else is there to update on? ...I have posted a few videos the last few days on YT feel free to check them out:

http://www.youtube.com/LYDISANC21

Oh, I forgot to mention that I watched 16 & Pregnant for the first time. The first two I watched where okay not too much drama. But the last one with Jenelle was a train wreck! I really wanted to grab her and smack her upside the head! Tomorrow and over the weekend I am going to go online and catch up a little. We will see how that goes.

As for now I am going to leave it at that. Have a great weekend and stay safe!

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

I will NOT be defeated!!!

Today is CD1 at first I though I would take it hard (as I have always in the past), but that was not the case. I honestly took it way better than ever before.  I surprised myself, instead of shedding some tears and hating the world, I looked at the positive side of things.

The first thought that came into my mind was; 'hey my 2ww  was the normal 14days even though I O'ed later,' another thing was 'I know that I O'ed and my cycles are normal, I AF didn't go MIA and I would have to stress about being irregular.'   Even though we have been TTCing for 52 months, I actually looked at the plus side of things.  I am going to try to keep that up.

As far as this new cycle I am sticking to my game plan from last cycle.  Also, I have been thinking of adding the 'Sperm Meets Egg Plan.'  I KNOW that soon I will be announcing my pregnancy. I guess you can say that is keeping me sane and helping me keep a positive out look on life.

We are in the process of moving so that is keeping me busy and hopefully keeping the TTC stress to a minimum.    I know that this new start will bring us to new beginnings.

Well that is all for now, I just wanted to let you know that I am on CD1 and I have FAITH that SOON we will be announcing a pregnancy!

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!! 

On my mind...

Ready to write off this cycle...

Ready to call it quits...

Ready to say I am no longer a fighter...

Ready to announce I will let myself be defeated...

Ready to give up this 4yr battle...

Ready to walk away from it ALL...

Ready to say I've had enough and let this piece of crap get the better of me...

I am just ready to end it all...

I am seriously thinking about letting myself waste away and not do a thing about it. I am so exhausted from this so called 'challenge'. I seriously hate this situation I am in especially when others that don't deserve what I want get it easier than me. And for what...to destroy a life...to murder the innocent...throw away God's miracle that other fight to have.

After this cycle I think that I am going to consider walking away from it all. Depending on how 'strong' I feel...
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Sick of it al...

I am tired of all the let downs, all the tears, all the frustration, tired of all the charting, sick of wasting money on crap that should 'help' get me pregnant...

SICK OF IT ALL!!!

Why is it so easy for others around me to get pregnant? And yet here I am 4yrs of trying and nothing is happening?!?! Why can't it be easier for us all.

I have been told MANY times, 'in the end it will all be worth it'. But that doesn't guarantee that in the end I will have a baby in my hands. That doesn't guarantee that I won't go bankrupt trying to get my miracle.

I know God only gives us what we can handle, but I don't know how much more of it I can handle. It has been 4yrs too long! Every day I pray for my miracle, every day I feel that pain in my heart, everyday I shed a tear, every day I feel resentment to those that have it easier than I do.

I can tell you this my faith is being tested. Many times I have thought about throwing in the towel, but for what?!?!

I just pray my time is around the corner. This has affected my marriage, my life, relationships. I just want to be able to hold my head up high and shout, 'I am NOT defeated!!! I have won the battle!!! I am pregnant!!!'

But will that day ever come? Will my dreams ever come true? Until then all I can do is pray and hope it does...

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!


Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®