Physically healing, mentally...not sure... 7/29/2010

Today is CD1, yesterday I could feel like AF was on her way. Well when I got home from getting some blood drawn at Dr M's office, sure enough she was here. Physically and mentally I am glad she showed up without having to be put on medicine.

Though, I am not sure if I was 100% mentally ready for AF to show. I know physically my body was ready for AF so that I would get that much closer to our miracle. But mentally, I am crushed because I know I should be 17wks and 2days pregnant, in my second trimester where the risks of miscarriage are less. Instead here I am on CD1 trying to keep sane and plan for the future.

I am left with questions right now about how and when to start planing again. We don't want another 5yrs to pass and not be able to get pregnant. We also don't want others to look down on us for trying too soon. I know its our choice and when it feels right we will know. Its just that we don't have that support from some people in our lives. For right now we have some sort of idea of when to start trying but I am not sure if we are going to let those close to us know when we plan. We have said that when we find out we are pregnant (God willing), that we are going to keep it to ourselves for a few weeks and not tell those in our lives that don't show support, until the third trimester that we are expecting. We believe they have no right what so ever to be included in our joy. These are the family members that didn't call to see how we were, the ones that told us not to tell anyone because we would jinx ourselves, nor to be happy/plan for our baby. Those people have lost out. Only those that were there would be included in our plans as well as our friends that we consider family in our eyes that have shown support.

So for now, its CD1 and I am having mixed emotions on this day. I know with the time I will get stronger its just that I just wish I would be still pregnant. And only God knows why. We believe our hearts that we will be blessed in God's time.


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