On to a new cycle…..

I am currently on CD4, I am holding up strong and keeping faith! I know that this IS OUR YEAR!!!

One day, I went on a search for the perfect bible verse, one that explained it all, one that I will live by. That is when I came across this one:

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

With all of the challenges in my life, this one screamed out to me!

Right then and there I knew that God was telling me that all we have been through wasn’t because of luck, rather because He was waiting for the perfect time for us to have our prayers answered.

When it does happen, I am going to be the happiest woman alive. When I look into my husband’s eyes, I see that he is ready to be a daddy. I am proud to be his wife!

 

"Sometimes God just wants us to listen"

Trying to hold it together

January 5th was supposed to be my due date....NOT a time for me to worry about charting, TTC, or the heartaches that last year had in store for us. I was a fool to get happy and 'attached' right away. I should of not gotten my hopes up. I have spend so many nights crying my heart out. You know, it is not true what they say, "with time it will get better." It hasn't, and I don't think it will. Our miscarriages have changed my life forever. Now whenever I have a BFP or TTC I have that fear in the back of my mind, the fear that no one should ever have, the one where you go home with empty arms and a heart full of love that has been sucked out of you in the matter of seconds. I know this may seem like I am severely depressed, but writing this is actually helping me relief some of the stress on my mind. One day I pray and have faith that God will answer our prayers. That is what is helping go on and get stronger.

I have told myself many times not to get depressed to just keep my head held high, but I am not as strong as I thought. Now that I am working, I can escape my life for a few hours a day so that I can just be someone else. Someone who is not hurting, someone that is stronger than the next person. I sometimes catch myself smiling and think to myself, "Wow! I didn't know I had it in me to smile." It is the greatest feeling in the world, and when I get home I tend to carry that happiness with me. My husband has been there for me like no other, I know that I can turn to him with my eyes full of tears and he will just hold me close. No matter how much I have failed him as his wife and mother of his Angels, I know that he loves me and that he is here to make me feel better.

You know the other day we were sitting on the couch and we were talking about (God willing) the future, and he turns to me with this smile on his face and in his heart and says, "Baby this is the year." I teared so much that I smiled inside, he has been keeping a positive outlook on this all when I have been here thinking of all the pain. I am trying my hardest to change that, I was doing so good in the beginning, but then I grew weak. I have made a promise to myself on January 1st, that starting on my birthday next month I will be doing a 365 day project. I am not sure if it will be pictures or just short entries, but I will be doing this so that I can keep a positive outlook on life so that next year, (God willing), I can look back and be proud of what I have done.

Now on to the TTC part of my entry, today is CD9, AF started on December 30, 2010. I took it so hard, that I just emotionally shut down. It was hard for me to even get out of bed on CD2, all I wanted to do is crawl in a ball and sleep. On CD7 I bought some OPKs from WalMart and yesterday I placed an order for Pre', I pray that it is here before ovulation. I also hope that my body is still ovulating on its own, I haven't taken OPKs since April 2010, days before I found out I was pregnant. Once I get more OPKs I will post some pictures so that I can keep it as a reference.

As for now, I think this is all I have to update, I have to be at work at 4:30A and its now almost 11:30P.

Yet another year passes......

As I type this, I try to hole back the tears....


Another year for the books, more tears that were shed, more heartache and broken promises. The past week I have been in an emotional bubble and couldn't find a needle to just pop.

December 24, 2010 was the first due date my doctor gave be before my ultrasound. I can't believe that I would have probably had my baby by now, if I hadn't miscarried in May. Sometimes I day dream about how if things were different......what our baby would look like, what clever nicknames we would have for our miracle, what life would be like with all night feedings and cat naps to try to get the energy to even cook. Oh, how I wish my life were that way right now. I would give anything to have one more chance, and a doctor that would have listened to me when I told him I wanted to get on medicine.

......oh, boy! Here come the tears.....................

I can not believe that it has been almost 6yrs since hubby and I have decided to have a baby. Where has the time gone! More importantly, please God tell me what I need to change to finally have our long awaited miracle. I have grown closer to You, than I have ever been in my 24yrs of life. Sometimes I feel like this is a horrible nightmare that I will wake up from, no matter how much I want it to be the case I know its not. I can only pray for our miracle and continue to keep faith.

I know in my heart that God has a miracle in my future and all I could do is try to be patient......

Nightmare on TTC Street... 10/30/2010

This week has been one crazy yet mainly horrible week. Started out band and now that its Saturday I hope it starts to change. Oh, and to top it off Friday (yesterday) my laptop gave up working. I called Jessica to see if Ben can look at it. I hope its fix able. :-/

On to my cycle....bfn! Nope not pregnant what's new right?!?!? Today I am actually on CD3 AF isn't supposed to show until today or tomorrow but she actually showed up early on Thursday. How I wished and prayed on everything that I would have gotten pregnant...

There's not much more to say. I am upset and sick of it all. Time for bed and praying for a better start tomorrow!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

MIRACLES DO EXIST...... 10/26/2010

Today I met Kassie's &Mando's princess Kaylee she is so perfect and precious! She was born October 25, 2010 at 3:07PM 6lbs 11oz and 23inches long (all from memory Kassie if you read this please correct me if I am wrong). I know what they went through to have her. I have been and still am in their foot steps.

Yesterday when Mando updated me about her water being broke, being 6cm, then 7-8cm, and getting the delivery table ready I was in tears! I have never felt like that for someone before, this time it was different. This time I was not jealous because Kassie was pregnant and not me, this time I did not 'forget' about the baby shower. This time I was there for her as soon as I found out. It didn't matter that at that time I was pregnant, what mattered was the struggle she endured to get where she is at now......a proud mommy!

When I met this precious angel I held back the tears and was in complete awe! I felt like I was in heaven and no one or nothing could bring me down. At first I didn't want to hold her so soon in fear that I would just cry my heart out but after a while I couldn't resist. My heart completely melted in more ways than I can keep track of. For once I was truly moved by such a great gift from God. Don't get me wrong I am always moved by these gifts but this time it was different that its just to hard to explain. Kassie if you ever read this I think you know what I am saying.

The whole time being there with Kassie, Mando and princess Kaylee I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. Even though she isn't mine she has be wrapped around her heart. I feel that much closer to our miracle.

Today I would have been 30wks pregnant and on the final count down to the arrival of our miracle. Unfortunately God had other plans for our angel. At times I get very sad and shut people out about what's going on my mind and other times I try to hide what's going on deep down inside to make others laugh. But not a day goes by that I don't think about what would have happened if things were different. Maybe God was trying to tell me something or maybe God just wanted me to think differently about my past. Whatever it is I am still searching for the answers. Though I am better now with giving thanks to everything and I feel like my relationship with His has gotten stronger than it has been before. I don't know maybe that is what He wanted me to do before I can reach the next step. Now I look at life differently and changed for the better mentally.

I know one day God will put His miracle working hands over us so that we finally have our long awaited baby. I will never give up faith in His powers, even though sometimes I feel like giving up something in the back of my mind/heart won't let me truly shout down all hope/faith.

With the birth of Kaylee I have gotten that reassurance that MIRACLES DO EXIST.......its just that mind is waiting for the perfect time. I will continue to go strong no matter what because in the end it is all well worth it.

"The longest journey begins with a single step..."

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!
2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Phantom Symptoms.........

Today I am CD31 according to last month I was expecting AF yesterday and nothing yet. So I went to the dollar tree to get a pregnancy test and decided it was time to test. I have not been charting at all but I always keep a mental note of when to expect AF especially because I need to call the doctor the second I find out I am pregnant to get on the Heparin and Progesterone. I tried not to get my hopes up at all but out of nowhere I would get these symptoms and start comparing to my previous pregnancy. I started to have heartburn, exhaustion, hungry at all hours of the day, and mood swings. With all that in mind I ended up getting my hopes up too high! I tested and it was negative! I thought by now I would be used to negative pregnancy tests...now more than ever it hurts to see one line. Today I would have been 26wks pregnant but now I am here hoping for a miracle that seems more like a dream than reality. I think I am just going to go outside and let the tears come out. Hubby is in our bedroom watching TV and cunado David is in his room, I don't want him to know whats going on. Hubby told me to wait and see if there was a second line after the three minutes and out of anger/hurt I just threw it down the toilet. In May when I took the pregnancy test within 2 seconds the second line came up and it was VERY dark. I can't believe that just a few months ago I had tears in my eyes because after 5yrs our prayers were answered. And now.......I have tears in my eyes because there is only one line. Infertility has shaken my faith...........


What goes up, must come down.

Life got in the way...

I haven't updated this in a long time. I have been extremely busy with life so much has gone on since I updated last. I can't believe September is almost over! Seriously!!! This year has flown by extremely fast! Yesterday was the 5yr Angel anniversary of our second baby Jesus. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday that we were finding out we were pregnant and loosing our baby. On the 26th it will be four months since our precious baby G grew wings.

I sometimes look back at everything that has happened in my life and just want to cry from all the hurt, pain, broken dreams, and everything that has went wrong in my life. Instead I am working harder to get to that finish line that we have been waiting to get to since 2005. At times I blame myself for everything that is going wrong, but I have been trying my hardest to take them as lessons that needed to be learned.

So as far a trying to conceive...I haven't been charting, temping, or checking anything. We do whatever we want, when we want to do it. In a sense it is a HUGE relief because we are putting it in God's hands and not stressing over every OPK or 'symptom' that I have. The only thing is that I have to jot down the date of my last AF every time so that I can beaware if when I should start to test if she doesn't come around the next month. So that if I am pregnant (God willing) I can call the specialist and tell him that I need an Rx for the medicine.

Oh, yea I forgot to mention about my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist. On Sept 14th I had my first appt with the MFM and we went over my history then he told me what the plans are for future pregnancies which are:

-Baby Aspirin 1x EVERYDAY
-Heparin EVERYDAY
-Progesterone 100mg
-bi-weekly appts
-measuring my cervix
-possible Cervical Cerclage after 1st trimester

He also had me get blood work done on these:

-Protein C Activity
-Protein S Activity
-Antithrombin III activity
-Prothrombin "Poort" [G20210A] Gene Mutation
-Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR)
-Antithrombin III Antigen
-anti-ß2-Glycoprotein IgG/IgM
-Fasting Homocysteine


He told me that even though these test come back normal that we are still going to be doing the Heparin and Baby Aspirin. I thank God for sending us this great doctor, one that listened to all of my concerns. worries, fears, and addressed each one! THANKS BE TO GOD!!! I am extremely excited in working with the doctor and praying that it will lead to a healthy nine months of pregnancy!

With that being said on Sunday when I was in church they made an announcement that they were looking for Catechist for the CCD program, I was so excited! I have been wanting to be a CCD teacher and I felt like God was making this announcement directly to me! Right after the mass ended I spoke with Skip and signed up, yesterday I went to fill out paperwork, today we have a meeting all the teachers and assistants, and Saturday I have to take a class in order to start teaching on Sunday. I am so excited! This is going to be a great way to get more active in our church and religion. I am already an active member but I want to do more and they always say 'you have to give to receive' well that is what I am doing. THANKS BE TO GOD!

Well that is all for right now. There wasn't much to update on, I am starting to get back in the swing of things so that I can finally write on here more often, after all this is what I am going to be looking back on.

"Sometimes God just wants us to listen"

"Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"

-Karate Kid-