†IN LOVING MEMORY OF BABY SANCHEZ 1†

***This is an older post that I posted on my Myspace blog on January 16, 2007***


For most of you already know that I had two miscarriages in 2005, well today would of been BABY SANCHEZ 1's first birthday. I can't begin tell you how I feel inside, mostly mied emmotions. One of which is hatred to myself because I lost my ANGEL before I could hold him(her) the first day I heard my ANGEL's heart beat was on May 24, 2005 when I went to the ER because I was having slight cramps. The Nurse did a internal ultrasound to make sure my ANGEL's heart rate was good, I was in the room with my husband it is a day we will never forget, even though our ANGEL wasn't born yet we felt like we were proud parent. Once the nurse left the room the Dr came in to tell us the results, he said that our ANGEL's heart beat was 124 per minute and normally at this point in the pregnancy he would like it to be at 140-180 beats per minute, the worst part is that the asshole lied and said everything was good and our ANGEL will be ok. I went home with Manny and we stayed in bed all day just comming up with baby names and saying our I CAN'T WAIT's.... but who would know that would be the last time we got to hear our ANGEL. On June 14, 2005 we had an appointment to see our mid-wife Karen Barr, I told her what happened previously and she said she would order a new ultrasound to check on our ANGEL. (June 16) The day came and Manny and I went to the ultrasound appointment, once inside they did an internal ultrasound which seemed like it went fast. I got dressed and the nurse said that she would give the results to the Dr and to wait in the waiting room.....we waited almost an hour, the whole time I knewsomething was wrong but I prayed to GOD (who betrayed me!) that everything would be ok, before the nurse came out and said that I needed to see my mid-wife because she needs to go over the results, I told the nurse I want to know what were the results and she said all I could tell you is that there wasn't a fetus in the womb. I started to cry my eyes out my husband just held me and told me that we need to see the mid wife and ask what happened so we went upstairs to her office......I called my mom and my Tia Vero my mom was picking up my dad from work and my Tia came to the hospital while we were waiting. Our mid wife came out and called us we went to a room where we sat there and talked she said that I miscarried and that I needed to get a D&C done to clean the womb out or my body could accept it and it could make me ill. I made the appointment for the next day. When I got home I cryed my mom and dad was there waiting, I cried myself to sleep. Later that night my mom called me to check up. She noticed I was crying and came over with my Tia Rosa My Lela My cousin Selena and seen that I was reading the book Pegnancy Bible. I told my mom that the hospital made a mistake maybe they didn't look hard enough for the baby and I did not want to go through the D&C the net day my mom kept telling my that I need to just let it all out vent tell them what was on my mind so that they could comfort me. After a while I went to my room and fell asleep. On June 17, 2005 I went to the hospital and checked in, Dr Carpio, a OB-Gene came in and told me the what he was going to do. Then a nurse came in and asked my husband and I if we were going to want to keep the tissue and have a burial or just have the hospital dipose of it, i began to cry my family left the room and my mom and Manny stayed my mom said just have the hospital dipose of the tissue. That a furneral would cost thousands, after a long time I told the nurse to dispose of the tissue (which I hate! myself for it!). After my D&C I was released home, as soon as I walked out of that hospital I felt like my life was taken away and I was to blame. The follow up came in July 23, 2005 I went to see Dr Carpio, he told me that I miscarried on May 24 (the day I went to the ER) or on May 25th. He said that our ANGEL fell out of its sack, I told the Dr that I did not bleed at all! And he said that he doesn't understand why. After that I went home I started to think that it happened when they did the ultrasound on May 24, 2005 and maybe they punched the sack and therfore our ANGEL passed. I can't believe that its going to be 2 yrs since my first and second miscarriage. And that today we would be celebrating our ANGEL's 1st Birthday. I hate myself for waht happened and one day I wish I could get an explaination why this happened. I know my ANGEL is in a better place but I want so much to turn back time and change what happened, but I can't unstead I stay here on the earth and wounder why?