To my number one catch all...

Dear Porcelain Thrown,

Thank you for allowing us to be on a "break" during Christmas weekend, however I want to kindly ask you to allow us to continue our "break" until after New Year's weekend. You have been there without fail for me week after week these past 8 months, but I feel like you are starting to take advantage of our friendship. Please don't take it personal, hey if it makes you feel better if God blesses me with another pregnancy I will be sure to keep you on speed dial.

Sincerely,
Me

How long is too long...

Looking back at my last post, I come to realize that I have been a slacker at posting our updates. So much has happened since my last post.

Where do I begin, hmmmm.... Okay so the last time I posted anything I was on a new cycle and holding on to faith that 2011 would be our year to get pregnant. I finally made an appointment with Dr Cassidy (a new doctor that I met through Cindy from work), it was set for March. Little did I know that Dr Cassidy had a huge plan for us, at our first appointment we went over our history, plans for the cycles to come, and treatments. Dr Cassidy wasted no time in prescribing Clomid and ordering a Semen Analysis on Manny. His results came back great! We are proud of his little soldiers! LOL During the first cycle of Clomid I had blood work done to check my Progesterone levels (to see if I ovulated), scans done to see how big the Follicles were, and verifying the Cycle Day I was on. The first cycle did not result in a pregnancy, so on to the next cycle...

My second cycle of Clomid Dr Cassidy preformed an HSG on me to check if my tubes where blocked and for any abnormalities. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck all the days leading up to the procedure. I cried over the fear of being told that something was wrong and lost sleep over worrying about being told that we will not be able to have children. I prayed so hard for great results and prayed over my husband for the strength for what was to come of the HSG. April 19th was the BIG day, on the way to the procedure we prayed the rosary asking to please finally have answers and a great outcome, I will admit on the way there I shed a few tears knowing that our lives would change forever. When we got there I took a pregnancy test and once it came back negative we went on to the procedure. My heart was racing and my mind was going a million miles per hour, I even wanted to run away in fear of bad news. Too late! Dr Cassidy came in and explained everything to us and even gave us hope that we would be able to conceive soon after the procedure. I love Dr Cassidy, he is the first and only doctor that has ever explained every single thing to us as he was doing it. Before he started anything he had  Manny stand by me and hold my hand, and we started... Within seconds the dye was injected in my cervix and we seen that everything was perfect! NO BLOCKAGE NO ABNORMALITIES!!! THANKS BE TO GOD!!! I even teared up again, finally after 7yrs of trying we got the answers we have longed to hear for MANY years!!! After all said and done with this cycle it did not end in a pregnancy, so on to the next cycle....

Third cycle of Clomid...WOW I didn't see that one coming! Still holding on to prayer and faith we knew that 2011 was our year! On this cycle I went in for blood work as I have been doing the cycles before, when I seen Dr Cassidy at work the following day he told me that my results weren't in yet, that once they were in he would call me. Once I was in the car on the way home I prayed so hard for great results. Later that day Dr Cassidy called my cell phone to let me know that my results still  weren't in and that he should have them in the morning. The next day I seen him (later than usual) he ordered his cappuccino and classic coffee cake, once he came to the window to pay he told me that he received the results and that they were GREAT! My progesterone was very high and that I indeed ovulated! I thanked him and God for the great news! Once I got home I told Manny the news and he was excited! Now the wait was on and we would have never planned for what was to come. On May 1st I was home alone waiting for Manny to get home from work when I thought I heard someone jump in the shower, didn't think anything of it I just figured it was Manny and I would just wait for him to get out so we could head to bed. After 15 minutes my heart started racing and I thought to myself, "Manny would be out of the shower by now asking for clean clothes." So I picked up my cell phone and called him, nothing! No answer, no ringing in the apartment, panicking I called his work and he answered asked what was wrong, I told him I think there is someone in the shower and thought it was him. While staying on the phone with him I walked towards the kitchen and the water sounded louder, I started seeing water coming from the ceiling and the door frame. I told Manny that our apartment was flooding, apparently the people in the upstairs apartment left the water running in their bathroom when they left (which was 6hrs before this all happened), I told Manny I was calling 911 because I started seeing sparks coming from the outlets. I hung up with him called 911 and asked for the Fire Department to be sent out I then called the landlord and property manager and left messages. Manny rushed home and I quickly grabbed the dogs and ran out the house! My mom came over just in time when the police and fire department came, the property manager came out as well. The fire department went in the basement to cut the power off in the kitchen and dinning room, Manny and I grabbed our clothes and stayed at my parents house for the night. I didn't go to work the next day, I had to go back to the house and pack our kitchen and move everything out of the house. It was a true blessing in disguise, because our neighbor from upstairs is a registered sex offender and the flooding was the last straw. We got out of our contract and moved in at my parents house. On June 11th at MIDNIGHT when my cycle didn't start I took a pregnancy test and within seconds I was calling Manny in the bathroom to ask if he could see what I was seeing....

He and I both agreed that i needed to take another one, so after work later that day I out and bought a digital pregnancy test and took it... What came next, little did I know how much our lives would change...

YES! We are pregnant!! As of today I am 22 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a GIRL!!! FINALLY after 7 of the longest and challenging years of our lives our prayers were answered!!! THANKS BE TO GOD!!!

This is our Princess on August 8th 2011!

I have so much to catch up on! So many posts to come on our little one...

Until then God bless!


Jeremiah 29:11

On to a new cycle…..

I am currently on CD4, I am holding up strong and keeping faith! I know that this IS OUR YEAR!!!

One day, I went on a search for the perfect bible verse, one that explained it all, one that I will live by. That is when I came across this one:

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

With all of the challenges in my life, this one screamed out to me!

Right then and there I knew that God was telling me that all we have been through wasn’t because of luck, rather because He was waiting for the perfect time for us to have our prayers answered.

When it does happen, I am going to be the happiest woman alive. When I look into my husband’s eyes, I see that he is ready to be a daddy. I am proud to be his wife!

 

"Sometimes God just wants us to listen"

Trying to hold it together

January 5th was supposed to be my due date....NOT a time for me to worry about charting, TTC, or the heartaches that last year had in store for us. I was a fool to get happy and 'attached' right away. I should of not gotten my hopes up. I have spend so many nights crying my heart out. You know, it is not true what they say, "with time it will get better." It hasn't, and I don't think it will. Our miscarriages have changed my life forever. Now whenever I have a BFP or TTC I have that fear in the back of my mind, the fear that no one should ever have, the one where you go home with empty arms and a heart full of love that has been sucked out of you in the matter of seconds. I know this may seem like I am severely depressed, but writing this is actually helping me relief some of the stress on my mind. One day I pray and have faith that God will answer our prayers. That is what is helping go on and get stronger.

I have told myself many times not to get depressed to just keep my head held high, but I am not as strong as I thought. Now that I am working, I can escape my life for a few hours a day so that I can just be someone else. Someone who is not hurting, someone that is stronger than the next person. I sometimes catch myself smiling and think to myself, "Wow! I didn't know I had it in me to smile." It is the greatest feeling in the world, and when I get home I tend to carry that happiness with me. My husband has been there for me like no other, I know that I can turn to him with my eyes full of tears and he will just hold me close. No matter how much I have failed him as his wife and mother of his Angels, I know that he loves me and that he is here to make me feel better.

You know the other day we were sitting on the couch and we were talking about (God willing) the future, and he turns to me with this smile on his face and in his heart and says, "Baby this is the year." I teared so much that I smiled inside, he has been keeping a positive outlook on this all when I have been here thinking of all the pain. I am trying my hardest to change that, I was doing so good in the beginning, but then I grew weak. I have made a promise to myself on January 1st, that starting on my birthday next month I will be doing a 365 day project. I am not sure if it will be pictures or just short entries, but I will be doing this so that I can keep a positive outlook on life so that next year, (God willing), I can look back and be proud of what I have done.

Now on to the TTC part of my entry, today is CD9, AF started on December 30, 2010. I took it so hard, that I just emotionally shut down. It was hard for me to even get out of bed on CD2, all I wanted to do is crawl in a ball and sleep. On CD7 I bought some OPKs from WalMart and yesterday I placed an order for Pre', I pray that it is here before ovulation. I also hope that my body is still ovulating on its own, I haven't taken OPKs since April 2010, days before I found out I was pregnant. Once I get more OPKs I will post some pictures so that I can keep it as a reference.

As for now, I think this is all I have to update, I have to be at work at 4:30A and its now almost 11:30P.

Yet another year passes......

As I type this, I try to hole back the tears....


Another year for the books, more tears that were shed, more heartache and broken promises. The past week I have been in an emotional bubble and couldn't find a needle to just pop.

December 24, 2010 was the first due date my doctor gave be before my ultrasound. I can't believe that I would have probably had my baby by now, if I hadn't miscarried in May. Sometimes I day dream about how if things were different......what our baby would look like, what clever nicknames we would have for our miracle, what life would be like with all night feedings and cat naps to try to get the energy to even cook. Oh, how I wish my life were that way right now. I would give anything to have one more chance, and a doctor that would have listened to me when I told him I wanted to get on medicine.

......oh, boy! Here come the tears.....................

I can not believe that it has been almost 6yrs since hubby and I have decided to have a baby. Where has the time gone! More importantly, please God tell me what I need to change to finally have our long awaited miracle. I have grown closer to You, than I have ever been in my 24yrs of life. Sometimes I feel like this is a horrible nightmare that I will wake up from, no matter how much I want it to be the case I know its not. I can only pray for our miracle and continue to keep faith.

I know in my heart that God has a miracle in my future and all I could do is try to be patient......

Nightmare on TTC Street... 10/30/2010

This week has been one crazy yet mainly horrible week. Started out band and now that its Saturday I hope it starts to change. Oh, and to top it off Friday (yesterday) my laptop gave up working. I called Jessica to see if Ben can look at it. I hope its fix able. :-/

On to my cycle....bfn! Nope not pregnant what's new right?!?!? Today I am actually on CD3 AF isn't supposed to show until today or tomorrow but she actually showed up early on Thursday. How I wished and prayed on everything that I would have gotten pregnant...

There's not much more to say. I am upset and sick of it all. Time for bed and praying for a better start tomorrow!
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MIRACLES DO EXIST...... 10/26/2010

Today I met Kassie's &Mando's princess Kaylee she is so perfect and precious! She was born October 25, 2010 at 3:07PM 6lbs 11oz and 23inches long (all from memory Kassie if you read this please correct me if I am wrong). I know what they went through to have her. I have been and still am in their foot steps.

Yesterday when Mando updated me about her water being broke, being 6cm, then 7-8cm, and getting the delivery table ready I was in tears! I have never felt like that for someone before, this time it was different. This time I was not jealous because Kassie was pregnant and not me, this time I did not 'forget' about the baby shower. This time I was there for her as soon as I found out. It didn't matter that at that time I was pregnant, what mattered was the struggle she endured to get where she is at now......a proud mommy!

When I met this precious angel I held back the tears and was in complete awe! I felt like I was in heaven and no one or nothing could bring me down. At first I didn't want to hold her so soon in fear that I would just cry my heart out but after a while I couldn't resist. My heart completely melted in more ways than I can keep track of. For once I was truly moved by such a great gift from God. Don't get me wrong I am always moved by these gifts but this time it was different that its just to hard to explain. Kassie if you ever read this I think you know what I am saying.

The whole time being there with Kassie, Mando and princess Kaylee I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. Even though she isn't mine she has be wrapped around her heart. I feel that much closer to our miracle.

Today I would have been 30wks pregnant and on the final count down to the arrival of our miracle. Unfortunately God had other plans for our angel. At times I get very sad and shut people out about what's going on my mind and other times I try to hide what's going on deep down inside to make others laugh. But not a day goes by that I don't think about what would have happened if things were different. Maybe God was trying to tell me something or maybe God just wanted me to think differently about my past. Whatever it is I am still searching for the answers. Though I am better now with giving thanks to everything and I feel like my relationship with His has gotten stronger than it has been before. I don't know maybe that is what He wanted me to do before I can reach the next step. Now I look at life differently and changed for the better mentally.

I know one day God will put His miracle working hands over us so that we finally have our long awaited baby. I will never give up faith in His powers, even though sometimes I feel like giving up something in the back of my mind/heart won't let me truly shout down all hope/faith.

With the birth of Kaylee I have gotten that reassurance that MIRACLES DO EXIST.......its just that mind is waiting for the perfect time. I will continue to go strong no matter what because in the end it is all well worth it.

"The longest journey begins with a single step..."

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!
2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!

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Phantom Symptoms.........

Today I am CD31 according to last month I was expecting AF yesterday and nothing yet. So I went to the dollar tree to get a pregnancy test and decided it was time to test. I have not been charting at all but I always keep a mental note of when to expect AF especially because I need to call the doctor the second I find out I am pregnant to get on the Heparin and Progesterone. I tried not to get my hopes up at all but out of nowhere I would get these symptoms and start comparing to my previous pregnancy. I started to have heartburn, exhaustion, hungry at all hours of the day, and mood swings. With all that in mind I ended up getting my hopes up too high! I tested and it was negative! I thought by now I would be used to negative pregnancy tests...now more than ever it hurts to see one line. Today I would have been 26wks pregnant but now I am here hoping for a miracle that seems more like a dream than reality. I think I am just going to go outside and let the tears come out. Hubby is in our bedroom watching TV and cunado David is in his room, I don't want him to know whats going on. Hubby told me to wait and see if there was a second line after the three minutes and out of anger/hurt I just threw it down the toilet. In May when I took the pregnancy test within 2 seconds the second line came up and it was VERY dark. I can't believe that just a few months ago I had tears in my eyes because after 5yrs our prayers were answered. And now.......I have tears in my eyes because there is only one line. Infertility has shaken my faith...........


What goes up, must come down.

Life got in the way...

I haven't updated this in a long time. I have been extremely busy with life so much has gone on since I updated last. I can't believe September is almost over! Seriously!!! This year has flown by extremely fast! Yesterday was the 5yr Angel anniversary of our second baby Jesus. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday that we were finding out we were pregnant and loosing our baby. On the 26th it will be four months since our precious baby G grew wings.

I sometimes look back at everything that has happened in my life and just want to cry from all the hurt, pain, broken dreams, and everything that has went wrong in my life. Instead I am working harder to get to that finish line that we have been waiting to get to since 2005. At times I blame myself for everything that is going wrong, but I have been trying my hardest to take them as lessons that needed to be learned.

So as far a trying to conceive...I haven't been charting, temping, or checking anything. We do whatever we want, when we want to do it. In a sense it is a HUGE relief because we are putting it in God's hands and not stressing over every OPK or 'symptom' that I have. The only thing is that I have to jot down the date of my last AF every time so that I can beaware if when I should start to test if she doesn't come around the next month. So that if I am pregnant (God willing) I can call the specialist and tell him that I need an Rx for the medicine.

Oh, yea I forgot to mention about my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist. On Sept 14th I had my first appt with the MFM and we went over my history then he told me what the plans are for future pregnancies which are:

-Baby Aspirin 1x EVERYDAY
-Heparin EVERYDAY
-Progesterone 100mg
-bi-weekly appts
-measuring my cervix
-possible Cervical Cerclage after 1st trimester

He also had me get blood work done on these:

-Protein C Activity
-Protein S Activity
-Antithrombin III activity
-Prothrombin "Poort" [G20210A] Gene Mutation
-Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR)
-Antithrombin III Antigen
-anti-ß2-Glycoprotein IgG/IgM
-Fasting Homocysteine


He told me that even though these test come back normal that we are still going to be doing the Heparin and Baby Aspirin. I thank God for sending us this great doctor, one that listened to all of my concerns. worries, fears, and addressed each one! THANKS BE TO GOD!!! I am extremely excited in working with the doctor and praying that it will lead to a healthy nine months of pregnancy!

With that being said on Sunday when I was in church they made an announcement that they were looking for Catechist for the CCD program, I was so excited! I have been wanting to be a CCD teacher and I felt like God was making this announcement directly to me! Right after the mass ended I spoke with Skip and signed up, yesterday I went to fill out paperwork, today we have a meeting all the teachers and assistants, and Saturday I have to take a class in order to start teaching on Sunday. I am so excited! This is going to be a great way to get more active in our church and religion. I am already an active member but I want to do more and they always say 'you have to give to receive' well that is what I am doing. THANKS BE TO GOD!

Well that is all for right now. There wasn't much to update on, I am starting to get back in the swing of things so that I can finally write on here more often, after all this is what I am going to be looking back on.

"Sometimes God just wants us to listen"

"Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"

-Karate Kid-

Specialist Appointment (MFM)

Physically healing, mentally...not sure... 7/29/2010

Today is CD1, yesterday I could feel like AF was on her way. Well when I got home from getting some blood drawn at Dr M's office, sure enough she was here. Physically and mentally I am glad she showed up without having to be put on medicine.

Though, I am not sure if I was 100% mentally ready for AF to show. I know physically my body was ready for AF so that I would get that much closer to our miracle. But mentally, I am crushed because I know I should be 17wks and 2days pregnant, in my second trimester where the risks of miscarriage are less. Instead here I am on CD1 trying to keep sane and plan for the future.

I am left with questions right now about how and when to start planing again. We don't want another 5yrs to pass and not be able to get pregnant. We also don't want others to look down on us for trying too soon. I know its our choice and when it feels right we will know. Its just that we don't have that support from some people in our lives. For right now we have some sort of idea of when to start trying but I am not sure if we are going to let those close to us know when we plan. We have said that when we find out we are pregnant (God willing), that we are going to keep it to ourselves for a few weeks and not tell those in our lives that don't show support, until the third trimester that we are expecting. We believe they have no right what so ever to be included in our joy. These are the family members that didn't call to see how we were, the ones that told us not to tell anyone because we would jinx ourselves, nor to be happy/plan for our baby. Those people have lost out. Only those that were there would be included in our plans as well as our friends that we consider family in our eyes that have shown support.

So for now, its CD1 and I am having mixed emotions on this day. I know with the time I will get stronger its just that I just wish I would be still pregnant. And only God knows why. We believe our hearts that we will be blessed in God's time.


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A great reminder...

"We have
Promises to keep
And miles to go
Before we sleep..."

-Robert Frost


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POAS...

Today is 19 days past my d&c, yesterday I asked my midwife to order for a hormone check to make sure I am at zero so I can start charting again that way when I go to the Genetic Specialist I can have some temps charted for her. Which our appointment is on the 19th of this month (the waiting is killing me!), I am praying I get AF by then so there is no delay in any testing. Well back to my story, I decided to take a Dollar Store test and.....

Yes! You guessed it BFN! Now I know that I should be getting AF sometime soon. I pray w/i a week or two so I can be on the road to physical recovery! And hopefully God willing down the line be able to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy. I am putting all my Faith in God that he will give us all the resources we need to finally get that.

Right now I can have a sigh of relief that at least my hormones or back down and take the next step.


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Wishing...wishes come true...

I really don't listen to the radio or music in English but these lyrics stick out to me, been through a lot lately and sometimes I wish that it was easier to have wishes come true. I know that life will always have its ups and downs but sometimes it feels like we are stuck in the downs......:

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
-B.O.B.~ Airplanes-




The past two days I feel like I am getting depressed no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I even told hubby that I miss being pregnant, and it is true, though it was for a short time I was the happiest when I was pregnant. We looked at cribs, bedding, clothes, had TONS of hopes and dreams. 


Forever I will have those words pounded into my memory:


"I could't find a heartbeat" -ultrasound tech 17JUN10-


Now all we can do is pray out to our (now three) Heavenly Angel Babies and tell them how much we love them, how much we miss them, how much we wish we could celebrate their arrival, birthdays and holidays. 


It is hard for me to see pregnant woman, hear about a baby shower, celebrating 1st birthday's, 1st everything's, etc. I know with time it will get easier (never 100%) for us to celebrate these occasions, as for now its too heartbreaking to see others do what we were dreaming of doing just a week ago. 


I know that it probably isn't the smartest thing to do, but, I sometimes just gather a list of songs that feel like they were written for me in this time of hurt, pain, and suffering. Its a good therapy for me other than holding it all in and letting this weight get heavier for me to handle, I even sing a long and when the song is over I feel a little better.


I think at least once a week I will use a song to help me write down my feelings so that in the future I can look back and remember the hardships I was in and how I overcame them or made them better.

Withdraw...

Here I am its 2:12AM and I am still up, I am not even a little tried. All through out my pregnancy I was so tired that by 8PM I was ready for bed and by 10PM I was in bed, now its a different story I am 'back' to my usual sleeping routine and it is very depressing at times. Though it has only happened twice already since my D&C, I still can't help but think back to when I was pregnant and how things were so different then. I haven't prayed much in the last 3-4 nights though I am taking my prenatal vitamins again (only for the last 3 nights), so I am not sure if it has something to do with the fact that I still think I will wake up from this nightmare and still be pregnant.

We had our appointment with Father David and it went great, I thought I would break down and cry but I held back. I found out something about hubby though, when he is at work or not by my side he is worried that I am doing something to harm myself. Which kind of surprised me in a way, reason being, with our first two miscarriages I fell into depression so fast that I shout everyone out. So he thought that this was the last straw for me, and I don't blame him. I actually thought it was, I was ready to give up that I text'd David on the day we found out I miscarried and told him that I can not fight anymore, I felt like I did not have the strength to do anything not even survive the surgery. Little did I know what was ahead of me, though I am still hurt and suffering I do not let it get to me like I have in the past. I keep myself busy and I plan for our future pregnancy, planing out everything we need to have done in the 1st trimester, which doctors are best for us, when we are going to tell anyone about our pregnancy, and so on. Don't get me wrong I am suffering and hurt that we lost our baby, and in NO way am I trying to 'replace' our baby we lost, I am just simply planning ahead and educating myself on the possibilities and what needs to be done. I do not want to feel helpless and go without a fight! We deserve to have a healthy baby just like any other person out there. And in a sense this is my way of keeping myself from getting depressed.

Now that I have gotten this off my chest I am going to go lay down next to the love of my life and give him a HUGE hug and kiss! For he has been my strength through this all. He was held me tight when I have had my break downs and he has showed me that this has only made our love and marriage stronger. THANKS BE TO GOD!

 "Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"

-Karate Kid-

Tired of disappointments...

I would have never thought in my 24yrs of life that I would be where I am now. I have never pictured myself struggling to get pregnant and suffering from now three miscarriages. There are so many people in my life right now that do not want to have children or abort their pregnancies and its WAY easier for them to get pregnant. But here I am going month after month hoping and praying. And after our prayer is answered we suffer by losing our baby.

Later today we have a meeting with Father David that he set up for us. He called me on Saturday to see how I was doing and apologized because he couldn't get back to me before my d&c, after I told him that its a hard time for us right now, we are losing Faith, and I am going back into the darkness he told me he wanted to meet with Manny and me. I agreed because I really need some guidance right now, I do not want to go into the darkness again. Something that took me 4yrs to get out of. I know God has a plan for us and He will bless us with a healthy baby soon.

As soon as we talk with Father David I will be reflecting off of what he will tell us. I may even go to confession and confess my anger that I have had towards God, I know He does things because he has a plan for us and I need to accept that, which I am beginning to do.

All day Monday while Manny was working I was alone and I am proud to say that I did not have a break down. I kept myself busy watching videos on YouTube and checking in on FaceBook, I am surprised that it worked for me. With my past miscarriages I grew depressed right away and never left my bed, this is a HUGE step for me. I know that this shows strength and that God is next to me holding my hand.

I give THANKS to God that I have Manny by my side. He is the greatest husband and father to our Heavenly Angels!

Life will knock you down. You can choose whether to get back up.
-Karate Kid-


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On my mind........6/19/2010

My cuts will heal, my bruises will fade but this emptiness in my heart/womb will never be healed. For the day we give birth to our first living child...it will NEVER replace the three Angels we have lost. We are proud parents of three Heavenly Angels unfortunately God had other plans for them rather than for them to be here on Earth with us.

Will we ever catch a break!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

Seriously I am fed up with all of the challenges we have been put through! I feel like we are getting punished for something, and we have NO clue what for! Seriously! Why did it have to go this far!!! We have been through two miscarriages back to back in 2005 and after 5YRS of not being able to conceive when we do...we have a miscarriage!

This is getting old! I am mentally and physically tired of going through this over and over! With this pregnancy I ASK my OB to check my progesterone levels because I am always having a miscarriage at 8 weeks or a little before! And that OB told me that has nothing to do with my pregnancy! Seriously! Why won't they listen to me? The doctor actually laughed in my face so I switched to a different office..a little too late without us knowing our baby stopped growing at 8w1d. I have so many questions and no answers. When we have our follow up with our specialist I am going to ask him all the questions I have and pray he has answers! We are going to continue trying to conceive after we are given the green light to do so. As soon as we get pregnant we are requesting to go to the best specialist in our area. Maybe then someone will actually listen to us!

Life will knock you down. You can choose whether to get back up.

Too good to be true written 6/17/2010

May 5,2010 was the happiest day of our lives this year. We found out we were pregnant after 5 LONG years of trying! Out of the blue God answered our prayers. Today I would have been 11 weeks 2days pregnant. Little did we know that at 8 weeks and 1 day we lost our baby. Today we had an ultrasound all we seen was an 8w old baby, no heartbeat. I should have known this pregnancy was too good to be true! After all the praying, all the Faith, and giving thanks it still wasn't enough to keep our baby growing inside. I am slipping into the darkness very fast. Something that took me 4yrs to get out of is sucking me back in. I want to keep faith and know that everything will be alright but I know its not. For tomorrow I have a scheduled surgery to help my body get back to 'normal'. After 5yrs I actually thought it was our turn. That things were working in our favor. Little did we know what was to come. We don't know why this keeps happening and we pray for answers. You know when I was younger my dream was to find the perfect partner, get married and start a family. I did not know nor plan for being here in 2010 having had 3 miscarriages already. Some people have told me not to get excited, don't tell anyone, don't get attached because you will only 'jinx' yourself. Do we not deserve to be happy while we are pregnant? Is it a sin to have a want and need for a child? What have we done to deserve this? I guess we will never know the truth. All we can do is mourn for our loss. It isn't fair! There are many that take pregnancies, children for granted. That isn't us! We have longed for our perfect family, instead we sit here and wonder why. Tuesday hubby took me to see Karate Kid and there was one line that stuck out to me: "life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not" I do not know where we go from here. If we continue or just walk away. All I know if that this is an extremely hard time for us right now. And we thank those that TRULY have been there for us. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. Until next time...
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God is always here...

Through the years, tears, heartache, pain, disappointment, and everything in between no matter how hard I have thought I had it I am grateful for everything God has taught me.  I know that god has a plan for us and I have put all of my Faith in Him, that He will do what is best for us.  

Tomorrow we have a doctor appointment, we are praying that everything goes well. No matter what is to come I know none of this would have been possible without God.  GOD IS GOOD!