Wishing...wishes come true...

I really don't listen to the radio or music in English but these lyrics stick out to me, been through a lot lately and sometimes I wish that it was easier to have wishes come true. I know that life will always have its ups and downs but sometimes it feels like we are stuck in the downs......:

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
-B.O.B.~ Airplanes-




The past two days I feel like I am getting depressed no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I even told hubby that I miss being pregnant, and it is true, though it was for a short time I was the happiest when I was pregnant. We looked at cribs, bedding, clothes, had TONS of hopes and dreams. 


Forever I will have those words pounded into my memory:


"I could't find a heartbeat" -ultrasound tech 17JUN10-


Now all we can do is pray out to our (now three) Heavenly Angel Babies and tell them how much we love them, how much we miss them, how much we wish we could celebrate their arrival, birthdays and holidays. 


It is hard for me to see pregnant woman, hear about a baby shower, celebrating 1st birthday's, 1st everything's, etc. I know with time it will get easier (never 100%) for us to celebrate these occasions, as for now its too heartbreaking to see others do what we were dreaming of doing just a week ago. 


I know that it probably isn't the smartest thing to do, but, I sometimes just gather a list of songs that feel like they were written for me in this time of hurt, pain, and suffering. Its a good therapy for me other than holding it all in and letting this weight get heavier for me to handle, I even sing a long and when the song is over I feel a little better.


I think at least once a week I will use a song to help me write down my feelings so that in the future I can look back and remember the hardships I was in and how I overcame them or made them better.

Withdraw...

Here I am its 2:12AM and I am still up, I am not even a little tried. All through out my pregnancy I was so tired that by 8PM I was ready for bed and by 10PM I was in bed, now its a different story I am 'back' to my usual sleeping routine and it is very depressing at times. Though it has only happened twice already since my D&C, I still can't help but think back to when I was pregnant and how things were so different then. I haven't prayed much in the last 3-4 nights though I am taking my prenatal vitamins again (only for the last 3 nights), so I am not sure if it has something to do with the fact that I still think I will wake up from this nightmare and still be pregnant.

We had our appointment with Father David and it went great, I thought I would break down and cry but I held back. I found out something about hubby though, when he is at work or not by my side he is worried that I am doing something to harm myself. Which kind of surprised me in a way, reason being, with our first two miscarriages I fell into depression so fast that I shout everyone out. So he thought that this was the last straw for me, and I don't blame him. I actually thought it was, I was ready to give up that I text'd David on the day we found out I miscarried and told him that I can not fight anymore, I felt like I did not have the strength to do anything not even survive the surgery. Little did I know what was ahead of me, though I am still hurt and suffering I do not let it get to me like I have in the past. I keep myself busy and I plan for our future pregnancy, planing out everything we need to have done in the 1st trimester, which doctors are best for us, when we are going to tell anyone about our pregnancy, and so on. Don't get me wrong I am suffering and hurt that we lost our baby, and in NO way am I trying to 'replace' our baby we lost, I am just simply planning ahead and educating myself on the possibilities and what needs to be done. I do not want to feel helpless and go without a fight! We deserve to have a healthy baby just like any other person out there. And in a sense this is my way of keeping myself from getting depressed.

Now that I have gotten this off my chest I am going to go lay down next to the love of my life and give him a HUGE hug and kiss! For he has been my strength through this all. He was held me tight when I have had my break downs and he has showed me that this has only made our love and marriage stronger. THANKS BE TO GOD!

 "Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"

-Karate Kid-

†IN LOVING MEMORY OF BABY SANCHEZ 1†

***This is an older post that I posted on my Myspace blog on January 16, 2007***


For most of you already know that I had two miscarriages in 2005, well today would of been BABY SANCHEZ 1's first birthday. I can't begin tell you how I feel inside, mostly mied emmotions. One of which is hatred to myself because I lost my ANGEL before I could hold him(her) the first day I heard my ANGEL's heart beat was on May 24, 2005 when I went to the ER because I was having slight cramps. The Nurse did a internal ultrasound to make sure my ANGEL's heart rate was good, I was in the room with my husband it is a day we will never forget, even though our ANGEL wasn't born yet we felt like we were proud parent. Once the nurse left the room the Dr came in to tell us the results, he said that our ANGEL's heart beat was 124 per minute and normally at this point in the pregnancy he would like it to be at 140-180 beats per minute, the worst part is that the asshole lied and said everything was good and our ANGEL will be ok. I went home with Manny and we stayed in bed all day just comming up with baby names and saying our I CAN'T WAIT's.... but who would know that would be the last time we got to hear our ANGEL. On June 14, 2005 we had an appointment to see our mid-wife Karen Barr, I told her what happened previously and she said she would order a new ultrasound to check on our ANGEL. (June 16) The day came and Manny and I went to the ultrasound appointment, once inside they did an internal ultrasound which seemed like it went fast. I got dressed and the nurse said that she would give the results to the Dr and to wait in the waiting room.....we waited almost an hour, the whole time I knewsomething was wrong but I prayed to GOD (who betrayed me!) that everything would be ok, before the nurse came out and said that I needed to see my mid-wife because she needs to go over the results, I told the nurse I want to know what were the results and she said all I could tell you is that there wasn't a fetus in the womb. I started to cry my eyes out my husband just held me and told me that we need to see the mid wife and ask what happened so we went upstairs to her office......I called my mom and my Tia Vero my mom was picking up my dad from work and my Tia came to the hospital while we were waiting. Our mid wife came out and called us we went to a room where we sat there and talked she said that I miscarried and that I needed to get a D&C done to clean the womb out or my body could accept it and it could make me ill. I made the appointment for the next day. When I got home I cryed my mom and dad was there waiting, I cried myself to sleep. Later that night my mom called me to check up. She noticed I was crying and came over with my Tia Rosa My Lela My cousin Selena and seen that I was reading the book Pegnancy Bible. I told my mom that the hospital made a mistake maybe they didn't look hard enough for the baby and I did not want to go through the D&C the net day my mom kept telling my that I need to just let it all out vent tell them what was on my mind so that they could comfort me. After a while I went to my room and fell asleep. On June 17, 2005 I went to the hospital and checked in, Dr Carpio, a OB-Gene came in and told me the what he was going to do. Then a nurse came in and asked my husband and I if we were going to want to keep the tissue and have a burial or just have the hospital dipose of it, i began to cry my family left the room and my mom and Manny stayed my mom said just have the hospital dipose of the tissue. That a furneral would cost thousands, after a long time I told the nurse to dispose of the tissue (which I hate! myself for it!). After my D&C I was released home, as soon as I walked out of that hospital I felt like my life was taken away and I was to blame. The follow up came in July 23, 2005 I went to see Dr Carpio, he told me that I miscarried on May 24 (the day I went to the ER) or on May 25th. He said that our ANGEL fell out of its sack, I told the Dr that I did not bleed at all! And he said that he doesn't understand why. After that I went home I started to think that it happened when they did the ultrasound on May 24, 2005 and maybe they punched the sack and therfore our ANGEL passed. I can't believe that its going to be 2 yrs since my first and second miscarriage. And that today we would be celebrating our ANGEL's 1st Birthday. I hate myself for waht happened and one day I wish I could get an explaination why this happened. I know my ANGEL is in a better place but I want so much to turn back time and change what happened, but I can't unstead I stay here on the earth and wounder why?