Here I am its 2:12AM and I am still up, I am not even a little tried. All through out my pregnancy I was so tired that by 8PM I was ready for bed and by 10PM I was in bed, now its a different story I am 'back' to my usual sleeping routine and it is very depressing at times. Though it has only happened twice already since my D&C, I still can't help but think back to when I was pregnant and how things were so different then. I haven't prayed much in the last 3-4 nights though I am taking my prenatal vitamins again (only for the last 3 nights), so I am not sure if it has something to do with the fact that I still think I will wake up from this nightmare and still be pregnant.
We had our appointment with Father David and it went great, I thought I would break down and cry but I held back. I found out something about hubby though, when he is at work or not by my side he is worried that I am doing something to harm myself. Which kind of surprised me in a way, reason being, with our first two miscarriages I fell into depression so fast that I shout everyone out. So he thought that this was the last straw for me, and I don't blame him. I actually thought it was, I was ready to give up that I text'd David on the day we found out I miscarried and told him that I can not fight anymore, I felt like I did not have the strength to do anything not even survive the surgery. Little did I know what was ahead of me, though I am still hurt and suffering I do not let it get to me like I have in the past. I keep myself busy and I plan for our future pregnancy, planing out everything we need to have done in the 1st trimester, which doctors are best for us, when we are going to tell anyone about our pregnancy, and so on. Don't get me wrong I am suffering and hurt that we lost our baby, and in NO way am I trying to 'replace' our baby we lost, I am just simply planning ahead and educating myself on the possibilities and what needs to be done. I do not want to feel helpless and go without a fight! We deserve to have a healthy baby just like any other person out there. And in a sense this is my way of keeping myself from getting depressed.
Now that I have gotten this off my chest I am going to go lay down next to the love of my life and give him a HUGE hug and kiss! For he has been my strength through this all. He was held me tight when I have had my break downs and he has showed me that this has only made our love and marriage stronger. THANKS BE TO GOD!
"Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"
-Karate Kid-
