Wishing...wishes come true...

I really don't listen to the radio or music in English but these lyrics stick out to me, been through a lot lately and sometimes I wish that it was easier to have wishes come true. I know that life will always have its ups and downs but sometimes it feels like we are stuck in the downs......:

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
-B.O.B.~ Airplanes-




The past two days I feel like I am getting depressed no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I even told hubby that I miss being pregnant, and it is true, though it was for a short time I was the happiest when I was pregnant. We looked at cribs, bedding, clothes, had TONS of hopes and dreams. 


Forever I will have those words pounded into my memory:


"I could't find a heartbeat" -ultrasound tech 17JUN10-


Now all we can do is pray out to our (now three) Heavenly Angel Babies and tell them how much we love them, how much we miss them, how much we wish we could celebrate their arrival, birthdays and holidays. 


It is hard for me to see pregnant woman, hear about a baby shower, celebrating 1st birthday's, 1st everything's, etc. I know with time it will get easier (never 100%) for us to celebrate these occasions, as for now its too heartbreaking to see others do what we were dreaming of doing just a week ago. 


I know that it probably isn't the smartest thing to do, but, I sometimes just gather a list of songs that feel like they were written for me in this time of hurt, pain, and suffering. Its a good therapy for me other than holding it all in and letting this weight get heavier for me to handle, I even sing a long and when the song is over I feel a little better.


I think at least once a week I will use a song to help me write down my feelings so that in the future I can look back and remember the hardships I was in and how I overcame them or made them better.

Withdraw...

Here I am its 2:12AM and I am still up, I am not even a little tried. All through out my pregnancy I was so tired that by 8PM I was ready for bed and by 10PM I was in bed, now its a different story I am 'back' to my usual sleeping routine and it is very depressing at times. Though it has only happened twice already since my D&C, I still can't help but think back to when I was pregnant and how things were so different then. I haven't prayed much in the last 3-4 nights though I am taking my prenatal vitamins again (only for the last 3 nights), so I am not sure if it has something to do with the fact that I still think I will wake up from this nightmare and still be pregnant.

We had our appointment with Father David and it went great, I thought I would break down and cry but I held back. I found out something about hubby though, when he is at work or not by my side he is worried that I am doing something to harm myself. Which kind of surprised me in a way, reason being, with our first two miscarriages I fell into depression so fast that I shout everyone out. So he thought that this was the last straw for me, and I don't blame him. I actually thought it was, I was ready to give up that I text'd David on the day we found out I miscarried and told him that I can not fight anymore, I felt like I did not have the strength to do anything not even survive the surgery. Little did I know what was ahead of me, though I am still hurt and suffering I do not let it get to me like I have in the past. I keep myself busy and I plan for our future pregnancy, planing out everything we need to have done in the 1st trimester, which doctors are best for us, when we are going to tell anyone about our pregnancy, and so on. Don't get me wrong I am suffering and hurt that we lost our baby, and in NO way am I trying to 'replace' our baby we lost, I am just simply planning ahead and educating myself on the possibilities and what needs to be done. I do not want to feel helpless and go without a fight! We deserve to have a healthy baby just like any other person out there. And in a sense this is my way of keeping myself from getting depressed.

Now that I have gotten this off my chest I am going to go lay down next to the love of my life and give him a HUGE hug and kiss! For he has been my strength through this all. He was held me tight when I have had my break downs and he has showed me that this has only made our love and marriage stronger. THANKS BE TO GOD!

 "Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"

-Karate Kid-

God is always here...

Through the years, tears, heartache, pain, disappointment, and everything in between no matter how hard I have thought I had it I am grateful for everything God has taught me.  I know that god has a plan for us and I have put all of my Faith in Him, that He will do what is best for us.  

Tomorrow we have a doctor appointment, we are praying that everything goes well. No matter what is to come I know none of this would have been possible without God.  GOD IS GOOD!

Just when I started seeing that light at the end of the tunnel............

So now we are in the waiting game, I pray that the doctors say it is NOT cancer and do what they have to do! Our family has been through so much! And I know God will be there every step of the way.

PLEASE GOD GIVE US THIS MIRACLE WE ASK OF YOU! I ALREADY LOST A BROTHER IN LAW LAST YEAR I CAN NOT BEAR TO LOOSE MY MOMMY!!!


Today I went to Lela's to pick up a memory card that my Tio Carlos wanted me to broadcast a video for him, when I got there my mommy was in the kitchen making carne with our favorite ingredients.  I asked her where everyone was at and she told me that my daddy and my sisters went to Eli's to take Moo and Anny back home and everyone else was working.  I sat there and waited for a while and the next part was SHOCKING!!!

Out of no where my mommy told me that the doctor found tumors (it was later that I found out it was about 5-7) and that I was in denial. I said to her what!?!?!?!?! She said they took out one before and I lied to her and told her I never knew she had some, (per daddy's request...one day daddy told me when he was taking me some where I can't remember where it was a few years ago, he didn't want us to worry and said that is why mommy didn't say anything to us).

...She didn't get to tell me in detail what the doctor told her because my daddy and sisters got back.  I didn't want to keep asking her. So when I got home after Manny and I went to return the movies to RedBox, went to dinner (Chinese), and to WalMart for some other things, I text'd her to ask her: "Okay you didn't finish telling me about what the dr said." Her response was (exactly how she txt'd it): "Im on line."

As soon as I finished doing what I was doing I hopped on FaceBook and sent her the message again and here is our chat:

Me (9:09PM)

okay so what did the doctor say

9:11pmMe

are you there

hello

hello

helll

hello************

9:12pmBlanca

YA

YA

YA

9:12pmMe

lol

9:13pmBlanca

DAM UR SLOW !!!!

9:13pmMe

lol i had to wash my hands hahahaha

9:13pmBlanca

SICKO

SICKO

SICKO

SICKO

9:15pmBlanca

he just said that i have 5to 7 tumers. had to go get blood work done. and that would tell him if thier cancer.

9:17pmMe

what!?!?!?!?!?

9:17pmBlanca

what don't u understand !!!! slow person.

9:19pmMe

no but i thought they took out everything last time you still have your ovaries

9:20pmBlanca

yes & my cervix too. so I might loss EVERTHING NOW.

9:21pmMe

 dont worry mommy God is going to hep you through this and will always be there to hold our hands

9:23pmBlanca

thaxs mija. u and ur siserts need to stop fightting like cats & dogs !!!! and start getting a long more. cause u never know whats around the coner.

9:24pmMe

I know that is what I have been telling them. They dont listen to me at all

9:25pmBlanca

it sure dosnt look like to me. but keep trying.

9:26pmMe

i will mommy did you tell them at lelas

9:27pmBlanca

ya. she knows . shes upset .

9:29pmMe

 dont worry mommy we have faith that we will only get good news

9:29pmBlanca

yes we will. well i have to go now mija. in pain. have to take my meds. good night.

u there????

9:31pmMe

good night mommy sweet dreams sleep with the angels

9:31pmBlanca

you too mija. MOM LOGING OUT !!!! LOL. LAMO.

 

9:32pmMe

lol  good night

9:32pmBlanca

LOVE U TOO GOOD NIGHT.

10:35pmBlanca is offline.

So now we are in the waiting game, I pray that the doctors say it is NOT cancer and do what they have to do! Our family has been through so much! And I know God will be there every step of the way. 

PLEASE GOD GIVE US THIS MIRACLE WE ASK OF YOU! I ALREADY LOST A BROTHER IN LAW LAST YEAR I CAN NOT BEAR TO LOOSE MY MOMMY!!! 

PLEASE keep my mommy and family in your thoughts and prayers!

9:11p

What's next???

I am currently at the end of my 2ww, I am not sure if I am prepared for whats to come next (either negative or positive).  Since New Years Eve I have been having cramps yesterday (Jan 3) they turned in to AF like cramps. Which is really confusing to me because I have this feeling in my heart that by March I am going to be announcing a pregnancy to my family.  I don't know how to explain it but the feeling is there, and everyday I feel that it is growing.  These last few days I have been getting signs from God that my prayers will be answered soon.  I feel that every where I go and everything I do I am always thinking about Him, I have started praying again at night and if I am too tired I still some how find the energy to pray.  So I am not sure what is coming next, nor do I know if I can handle it.  But I do know this, if I am not pregnant it's because God wants me to take the extra steps in my next cycle, and to build a stronger relationship with him so that I can get pregnant next month.  I may not seem like the religious type, but this year, this decade I am fixing that.  So I am putting all of my faith in God's hands and can only hope for the best.

If I am not pregnant I will post my game plan for the next cycle and give my self challenges.  I bought two new books yesterday so I will be posting an update on YouTube on that and going to go over new things i am going to add to my channel.

This is all for now, I know that it is very random and you probably don't understand it but it just some things that have been on my mind and I needed to get down on paper (so to say).



LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!