Physically healing, mentally...not sure... 7/29/2010

Today is CD1, yesterday I could feel like AF was on her way. Well when I got home from getting some blood drawn at Dr M's office, sure enough she was here. Physically and mentally I am glad she showed up without having to be put on medicine.

Though, I am not sure if I was 100% mentally ready for AF to show. I know physically my body was ready for AF so that I would get that much closer to our miracle. But mentally, I am crushed because I know I should be 17wks and 2days pregnant, in my second trimester where the risks of miscarriage are less. Instead here I am on CD1 trying to keep sane and plan for the future.

I am left with questions right now about how and when to start planing again. We don't want another 5yrs to pass and not be able to get pregnant. We also don't want others to look down on us for trying too soon. I know its our choice and when it feels right we will know. Its just that we don't have that support from some people in our lives. For right now we have some sort of idea of when to start trying but I am not sure if we are going to let those close to us know when we plan. We have said that when we find out we are pregnant (God willing), that we are going to keep it to ourselves for a few weeks and not tell those in our lives that don't show support, until the third trimester that we are expecting. We believe they have no right what so ever to be included in our joy. These are the family members that didn't call to see how we were, the ones that told us not to tell anyone because we would jinx ourselves, nor to be happy/plan for our baby. Those people have lost out. Only those that were there would be included in our plans as well as our friends that we consider family in our eyes that have shown support.

So for now, its CD1 and I am having mixed emotions on this day. I know with the time I will get stronger its just that I just wish I would be still pregnant. And only God knows why. We believe our hearts that we will be blessed in God's time.


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A great reminder...

"We have
Promises to keep
And miles to go
Before we sleep..."

-Robert Frost


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POAS...

Today is 19 days past my d&c, yesterday I asked my midwife to order for a hormone check to make sure I am at zero so I can start charting again that way when I go to the Genetic Specialist I can have some temps charted for her. Which our appointment is on the 19th of this month (the waiting is killing me!), I am praying I get AF by then so there is no delay in any testing. Well back to my story, I decided to take a Dollar Store test and.....

Yes! You guessed it BFN! Now I know that I should be getting AF sometime soon. I pray w/i a week or two so I can be on the road to physical recovery! And hopefully God willing down the line be able to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy. I am putting all my Faith in God that he will give us all the resources we need to finally get that.

Right now I can have a sigh of relief that at least my hormones or back down and take the next step.


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Wishing...wishes come true...

I really don't listen to the radio or music in English but these lyrics stick out to me, been through a lot lately and sometimes I wish that it was easier to have wishes come true. I know that life will always have its ups and downs but sometimes it feels like we are stuck in the downs......:

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
-B.O.B.~ Airplanes-




The past two days I feel like I am getting depressed no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I even told hubby that I miss being pregnant, and it is true, though it was for a short time I was the happiest when I was pregnant. We looked at cribs, bedding, clothes, had TONS of hopes and dreams. 


Forever I will have those words pounded into my memory:


"I could't find a heartbeat" -ultrasound tech 17JUN10-


Now all we can do is pray out to our (now three) Heavenly Angel Babies and tell them how much we love them, how much we miss them, how much we wish we could celebrate their arrival, birthdays and holidays. 


It is hard for me to see pregnant woman, hear about a baby shower, celebrating 1st birthday's, 1st everything's, etc. I know with time it will get easier (never 100%) for us to celebrate these occasions, as for now its too heartbreaking to see others do what we were dreaming of doing just a week ago. 


I know that it probably isn't the smartest thing to do, but, I sometimes just gather a list of songs that feel like they were written for me in this time of hurt, pain, and suffering. Its a good therapy for me other than holding it all in and letting this weight get heavier for me to handle, I even sing a long and when the song is over I feel a little better.


I think at least once a week I will use a song to help me write down my feelings so that in the future I can look back and remember the hardships I was in and how I overcame them or made them better.

Withdraw...

Here I am its 2:12AM and I am still up, I am not even a little tried. All through out my pregnancy I was so tired that by 8PM I was ready for bed and by 10PM I was in bed, now its a different story I am 'back' to my usual sleeping routine and it is very depressing at times. Though it has only happened twice already since my D&C, I still can't help but think back to when I was pregnant and how things were so different then. I haven't prayed much in the last 3-4 nights though I am taking my prenatal vitamins again (only for the last 3 nights), so I am not sure if it has something to do with the fact that I still think I will wake up from this nightmare and still be pregnant.

We had our appointment with Father David and it went great, I thought I would break down and cry but I held back. I found out something about hubby though, when he is at work or not by my side he is worried that I am doing something to harm myself. Which kind of surprised me in a way, reason being, with our first two miscarriages I fell into depression so fast that I shout everyone out. So he thought that this was the last straw for me, and I don't blame him. I actually thought it was, I was ready to give up that I text'd David on the day we found out I miscarried and told him that I can not fight anymore, I felt like I did not have the strength to do anything not even survive the surgery. Little did I know what was ahead of me, though I am still hurt and suffering I do not let it get to me like I have in the past. I keep myself busy and I plan for our future pregnancy, planing out everything we need to have done in the 1st trimester, which doctors are best for us, when we are going to tell anyone about our pregnancy, and so on. Don't get me wrong I am suffering and hurt that we lost our baby, and in NO way am I trying to 'replace' our baby we lost, I am just simply planning ahead and educating myself on the possibilities and what needs to be done. I do not want to feel helpless and go without a fight! We deserve to have a healthy baby just like any other person out there. And in a sense this is my way of keeping myself from getting depressed.

Now that I have gotten this off my chest I am going to go lay down next to the love of my life and give him a HUGE hug and kiss! For he has been my strength through this all. He was held me tight when I have had my break downs and he has showed me that this has only made our love and marriage stronger. THANKS BE TO GOD!

 "Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"

-Karate Kid-

Tired of disappointments...

I would have never thought in my 24yrs of life that I would be where I am now. I have never pictured myself struggling to get pregnant and suffering from now three miscarriages. There are so many people in my life right now that do not want to have children or abort their pregnancies and its WAY easier for them to get pregnant. But here I am going month after month hoping and praying. And after our prayer is answered we suffer by losing our baby.

Later today we have a meeting with Father David that he set up for us. He called me on Saturday to see how I was doing and apologized because he couldn't get back to me before my d&c, after I told him that its a hard time for us right now, we are losing Faith, and I am going back into the darkness he told me he wanted to meet with Manny and me. I agreed because I really need some guidance right now, I do not want to go into the darkness again. Something that took me 4yrs to get out of. I know God has a plan for us and He will bless us with a healthy baby soon.

As soon as we talk with Father David I will be reflecting off of what he will tell us. I may even go to confession and confess my anger that I have had towards God, I know He does things because he has a plan for us and I need to accept that, which I am beginning to do.

All day Monday while Manny was working I was alone and I am proud to say that I did not have a break down. I kept myself busy watching videos on YouTube and checking in on FaceBook, I am surprised that it worked for me. With my past miscarriages I grew depressed right away and never left my bed, this is a HUGE step for me. I know that this shows strength and that God is next to me holding my hand.

I give THANKS to God that I have Manny by my side. He is the greatest husband and father to our Heavenly Angels!

Life will knock you down. You can choose whether to get back up.
-Karate Kid-


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On my mind........6/19/2010

My cuts will heal, my bruises will fade but this emptiness in my heart/womb will never be healed. For the day we give birth to our first living child...it will NEVER replace the three Angels we have lost. We are proud parents of three Heavenly Angels unfortunately God had other plans for them rather than for them to be here on Earth with us.