Phantom Symptoms.........

Today I am CD31 according to last month I was expecting AF yesterday and nothing yet. So I went to the dollar tree to get a pregnancy test and decided it was time to test. I have not been charting at all but I always keep a mental note of when to expect AF especially because I need to call the doctor the second I find out I am pregnant to get on the Heparin and Progesterone. I tried not to get my hopes up at all but out of nowhere I would get these symptoms and start comparing to my previous pregnancy. I started to have heartburn, exhaustion, hungry at all hours of the day, and mood swings. With all that in mind I ended up getting my hopes up too high! I tested and it was negative! I thought by now I would be used to negative pregnancy tests...now more than ever it hurts to see one line. Today I would have been 26wks pregnant but now I am here hoping for a miracle that seems more like a dream than reality. I think I am just going to go outside and let the tears come out. Hubby is in our bedroom watching TV and cunado David is in his room, I don't want him to know whats going on. Hubby told me to wait and see if there was a second line after the three minutes and out of anger/hurt I just threw it down the toilet. In May when I took the pregnancy test within 2 seconds the second line came up and it was VERY dark. I can't believe that just a few months ago I had tears in my eyes because after 5yrs our prayers were answered. And now.......I have tears in my eyes because there is only one line. Infertility has shaken my faith...........


What goes up, must come down.

Life got in the way...

I haven't updated this in a long time. I have been extremely busy with life so much has gone on since I updated last. I can't believe September is almost over! Seriously!!! This year has flown by extremely fast! Yesterday was the 5yr Angel anniversary of our second baby Jesus. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday that we were finding out we were pregnant and loosing our baby. On the 26th it will be four months since our precious baby G grew wings.

I sometimes look back at everything that has happened in my life and just want to cry from all the hurt, pain, broken dreams, and everything that has went wrong in my life. Instead I am working harder to get to that finish line that we have been waiting to get to since 2005. At times I blame myself for everything that is going wrong, but I have been trying my hardest to take them as lessons that needed to be learned.

So as far a trying to conceive...I haven't been charting, temping, or checking anything. We do whatever we want, when we want to do it. In a sense it is a HUGE relief because we are putting it in God's hands and not stressing over every OPK or 'symptom' that I have. The only thing is that I have to jot down the date of my last AF every time so that I can beaware if when I should start to test if she doesn't come around the next month. So that if I am pregnant (God willing) I can call the specialist and tell him that I need an Rx for the medicine.

Oh, yea I forgot to mention about my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist. On Sept 14th I had my first appt with the MFM and we went over my history then he told me what the plans are for future pregnancies which are:

-Baby Aspirin 1x EVERYDAY
-Heparin EVERYDAY
-Progesterone 100mg
-bi-weekly appts
-measuring my cervix
-possible Cervical Cerclage after 1st trimester

He also had me get blood work done on these:

-Protein C Activity
-Protein S Activity
-Antithrombin III activity
-Prothrombin "Poort" [G20210A] Gene Mutation
-Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR)
-Antithrombin III Antigen
-anti-ß2-Glycoprotein IgG/IgM
-Fasting Homocysteine


He told me that even though these test come back normal that we are still going to be doing the Heparin and Baby Aspirin. I thank God for sending us this great doctor, one that listened to all of my concerns. worries, fears, and addressed each one! THANKS BE TO GOD!!! I am extremely excited in working with the doctor and praying that it will lead to a healthy nine months of pregnancy!

With that being said on Sunday when I was in church they made an announcement that they were looking for Catechist for the CCD program, I was so excited! I have been wanting to be a CCD teacher and I felt like God was making this announcement directly to me! Right after the mass ended I spoke with Skip and signed up, yesterday I went to fill out paperwork, today we have a meeting all the teachers and assistants, and Saturday I have to take a class in order to start teaching on Sunday. I am so excited! This is going to be a great way to get more active in our church and religion. I am already an active member but I want to do more and they always say 'you have to give to receive' well that is what I am doing. THANKS BE TO GOD!

Well that is all for right now. There wasn't much to update on, I am starting to get back in the swing of things so that I can finally write on here more often, after all this is what I am going to be looking back on.

"Sometimes God just wants us to listen"

"Life will knock you down, you just have to choose to get back up or not"

-Karate Kid-

Specialist Appointment (MFM)

Physically healing, mentally...not sure... 7/29/2010

Today is CD1, yesterday I could feel like AF was on her way. Well when I got home from getting some blood drawn at Dr M's office, sure enough she was here. Physically and mentally I am glad she showed up without having to be put on medicine.

Though, I am not sure if I was 100% mentally ready for AF to show. I know physically my body was ready for AF so that I would get that much closer to our miracle. But mentally, I am crushed because I know I should be 17wks and 2days pregnant, in my second trimester where the risks of miscarriage are less. Instead here I am on CD1 trying to keep sane and plan for the future.

I am left with questions right now about how and when to start planing again. We don't want another 5yrs to pass and not be able to get pregnant. We also don't want others to look down on us for trying too soon. I know its our choice and when it feels right we will know. Its just that we don't have that support from some people in our lives. For right now we have some sort of idea of when to start trying but I am not sure if we are going to let those close to us know when we plan. We have said that when we find out we are pregnant (God willing), that we are going to keep it to ourselves for a few weeks and not tell those in our lives that don't show support, until the third trimester that we are expecting. We believe they have no right what so ever to be included in our joy. These are the family members that didn't call to see how we were, the ones that told us not to tell anyone because we would jinx ourselves, nor to be happy/plan for our baby. Those people have lost out. Only those that were there would be included in our plans as well as our friends that we consider family in our eyes that have shown support.

So for now, its CD1 and I am having mixed emotions on this day. I know with the time I will get stronger its just that I just wish I would be still pregnant. And only God knows why. We believe our hearts that we will be blessed in God's time.


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A great reminder...

"We have
Promises to keep
And miles to go
Before we sleep..."

-Robert Frost


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POAS...

Today is 19 days past my d&c, yesterday I asked my midwife to order for a hormone check to make sure I am at zero so I can start charting again that way when I go to the Genetic Specialist I can have some temps charted for her. Which our appointment is on the 19th of this month (the waiting is killing me!), I am praying I get AF by then so there is no delay in any testing. Well back to my story, I decided to take a Dollar Store test and.....

Yes! You guessed it BFN! Now I know that I should be getting AF sometime soon. I pray w/i a week or two so I can be on the road to physical recovery! And hopefully God willing down the line be able to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy. I am putting all my Faith in God that he will give us all the resources we need to finally get that.

Right now I can have a sigh of relief that at least my hormones or back down and take the next step.


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Wishing...wishes come true...

I really don't listen to the radio or music in English but these lyrics stick out to me, been through a lot lately and sometimes I wish that it was easier to have wishes come true. I know that life will always have its ups and downs but sometimes it feels like we are stuck in the downs......:

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
-B.O.B.~ Airplanes-




The past two days I feel like I am getting depressed no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I even told hubby that I miss being pregnant, and it is true, though it was for a short time I was the happiest when I was pregnant. We looked at cribs, bedding, clothes, had TONS of hopes and dreams. 


Forever I will have those words pounded into my memory:


"I could't find a heartbeat" -ultrasound tech 17JUN10-


Now all we can do is pray out to our (now three) Heavenly Angel Babies and tell them how much we love them, how much we miss them, how much we wish we could celebrate their arrival, birthdays and holidays. 


It is hard for me to see pregnant woman, hear about a baby shower, celebrating 1st birthday's, 1st everything's, etc. I know with time it will get easier (never 100%) for us to celebrate these occasions, as for now its too heartbreaking to see others do what we were dreaming of doing just a week ago. 


I know that it probably isn't the smartest thing to do, but, I sometimes just gather a list of songs that feel like they were written for me in this time of hurt, pain, and suffering. Its a good therapy for me other than holding it all in and letting this weight get heavier for me to handle, I even sing a long and when the song is over I feel a little better.


I think at least once a week I will use a song to help me write down my feelings so that in the future I can look back and remember the hardships I was in and how I overcame them or made them better.