To my number one catch all...

Dear Porcelain Thrown,

Thank you for allowing us to be on a "break" during Christmas weekend, however I want to kindly ask you to allow us to continue our "break" until after New Year's weekend. You have been there without fail for me week after week these past 8 months, but I feel like you are starting to take advantage of our friendship. Please don't take it personal, hey if it makes you feel better if God blesses me with another pregnancy I will be sure to keep you on speed dial.

Sincerely,
Me

How long is too long...

Looking back at my last post, I come to realize that I have been a slacker at posting our updates. So much has happened since my last post.

Where do I begin, hmmmm.... Okay so the last time I posted anything I was on a new cycle and holding on to faith that 2011 would be our year to get pregnant. I finally made an appointment with Dr Cassidy (a new doctor that I met through Cindy from work), it was set for March. Little did I know that Dr Cassidy had a huge plan for us, at our first appointment we went over our history, plans for the cycles to come, and treatments. Dr Cassidy wasted no time in prescribing Clomid and ordering a Semen Analysis on Manny. His results came back great! We are proud of his little soldiers! LOL During the first cycle of Clomid I had blood work done to check my Progesterone levels (to see if I ovulated), scans done to see how big the Follicles were, and verifying the Cycle Day I was on. The first cycle did not result in a pregnancy, so on to the next cycle...

My second cycle of Clomid Dr Cassidy preformed an HSG on me to check if my tubes where blocked and for any abnormalities. Needless to say I was a nervous wreck all the days leading up to the procedure. I cried over the fear of being told that something was wrong and lost sleep over worrying about being told that we will not be able to have children. I prayed so hard for great results and prayed over my husband for the strength for what was to come of the HSG. April 19th was the BIG day, on the way to the procedure we prayed the rosary asking to please finally have answers and a great outcome, I will admit on the way there I shed a few tears knowing that our lives would change forever. When we got there I took a pregnancy test and once it came back negative we went on to the procedure. My heart was racing and my mind was going a million miles per hour, I even wanted to run away in fear of bad news. Too late! Dr Cassidy came in and explained everything to us and even gave us hope that we would be able to conceive soon after the procedure. I love Dr Cassidy, he is the first and only doctor that has ever explained every single thing to us as he was doing it. Before he started anything he had  Manny stand by me and hold my hand, and we started... Within seconds the dye was injected in my cervix and we seen that everything was perfect! NO BLOCKAGE NO ABNORMALITIES!!! THANKS BE TO GOD!!! I even teared up again, finally after 7yrs of trying we got the answers we have longed to hear for MANY years!!! After all said and done with this cycle it did not end in a pregnancy, so on to the next cycle....

Third cycle of Clomid...WOW I didn't see that one coming! Still holding on to prayer and faith we knew that 2011 was our year! On this cycle I went in for blood work as I have been doing the cycles before, when I seen Dr Cassidy at work the following day he told me that my results weren't in yet, that once they were in he would call me. Once I was in the car on the way home I prayed so hard for great results. Later that day Dr Cassidy called my cell phone to let me know that my results still  weren't in and that he should have them in the morning. The next day I seen him (later than usual) he ordered his cappuccino and classic coffee cake, once he came to the window to pay he told me that he received the results and that they were GREAT! My progesterone was very high and that I indeed ovulated! I thanked him and God for the great news! Once I got home I told Manny the news and he was excited! Now the wait was on and we would have never planned for what was to come. On May 1st I was home alone waiting for Manny to get home from work when I thought I heard someone jump in the shower, didn't think anything of it I just figured it was Manny and I would just wait for him to get out so we could head to bed. After 15 minutes my heart started racing and I thought to myself, "Manny would be out of the shower by now asking for clean clothes." So I picked up my cell phone and called him, nothing! No answer, no ringing in the apartment, panicking I called his work and he answered asked what was wrong, I told him I think there is someone in the shower and thought it was him. While staying on the phone with him I walked towards the kitchen and the water sounded louder, I started seeing water coming from the ceiling and the door frame. I told Manny that our apartment was flooding, apparently the people in the upstairs apartment left the water running in their bathroom when they left (which was 6hrs before this all happened), I told Manny I was calling 911 because I started seeing sparks coming from the outlets. I hung up with him called 911 and asked for the Fire Department to be sent out I then called the landlord and property manager and left messages. Manny rushed home and I quickly grabbed the dogs and ran out the house! My mom came over just in time when the police and fire department came, the property manager came out as well. The fire department went in the basement to cut the power off in the kitchen and dinning room, Manny and I grabbed our clothes and stayed at my parents house for the night. I didn't go to work the next day, I had to go back to the house and pack our kitchen and move everything out of the house. It was a true blessing in disguise, because our neighbor from upstairs is a registered sex offender and the flooding was the last straw. We got out of our contract and moved in at my parents house. On June 11th at MIDNIGHT when my cycle didn't start I took a pregnancy test and within seconds I was calling Manny in the bathroom to ask if he could see what I was seeing....

He and I both agreed that i needed to take another one, so after work later that day I out and bought a digital pregnancy test and took it... What came next, little did I know how much our lives would change...

YES! We are pregnant!! As of today I am 22 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a GIRL!!! FINALLY after 7 of the longest and challenging years of our lives our prayers were answered!!! THANKS BE TO GOD!!!

This is our Princess on August 8th 2011!

I have so much to catch up on! So many posts to come on our little one...

Until then God bless!


Jeremiah 29:11

On to a new cycle…..

I am currently on CD4, I am holding up strong and keeping faith! I know that this IS OUR YEAR!!!

One day, I went on a search for the perfect bible verse, one that explained it all, one that I will live by. That is when I came across this one:

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

With all of the challenges in my life, this one screamed out to me!

Right then and there I knew that God was telling me that all we have been through wasn’t because of luck, rather because He was waiting for the perfect time for us to have our prayers answered.

When it does happen, I am going to be the happiest woman alive. When I look into my husband’s eyes, I see that he is ready to be a daddy. I am proud to be his wife!

 

"Sometimes God just wants us to listen"

Trying to hold it together

January 5th was supposed to be my due date....NOT a time for me to worry about charting, TTC, or the heartaches that last year had in store for us. I was a fool to get happy and 'attached' right away. I should of not gotten my hopes up. I have spend so many nights crying my heart out. You know, it is not true what they say, "with time it will get better." It hasn't, and I don't think it will. Our miscarriages have changed my life forever. Now whenever I have a BFP or TTC I have that fear in the back of my mind, the fear that no one should ever have, the one where you go home with empty arms and a heart full of love that has been sucked out of you in the matter of seconds. I know this may seem like I am severely depressed, but writing this is actually helping me relief some of the stress on my mind. One day I pray and have faith that God will answer our prayers. That is what is helping go on and get stronger.

I have told myself many times not to get depressed to just keep my head held high, but I am not as strong as I thought. Now that I am working, I can escape my life for a few hours a day so that I can just be someone else. Someone who is not hurting, someone that is stronger than the next person. I sometimes catch myself smiling and think to myself, "Wow! I didn't know I had it in me to smile." It is the greatest feeling in the world, and when I get home I tend to carry that happiness with me. My husband has been there for me like no other, I know that I can turn to him with my eyes full of tears and he will just hold me close. No matter how much I have failed him as his wife and mother of his Angels, I know that he loves me and that he is here to make me feel better.

You know the other day we were sitting on the couch and we were talking about (God willing) the future, and he turns to me with this smile on his face and in his heart and says, "Baby this is the year." I teared so much that I smiled inside, he has been keeping a positive outlook on this all when I have been here thinking of all the pain. I am trying my hardest to change that, I was doing so good in the beginning, but then I grew weak. I have made a promise to myself on January 1st, that starting on my birthday next month I will be doing a 365 day project. I am not sure if it will be pictures or just short entries, but I will be doing this so that I can keep a positive outlook on life so that next year, (God willing), I can look back and be proud of what I have done.

Now on to the TTC part of my entry, today is CD9, AF started on December 30, 2010. I took it so hard, that I just emotionally shut down. It was hard for me to even get out of bed on CD2, all I wanted to do is crawl in a ball and sleep. On CD7 I bought some OPKs from WalMart and yesterday I placed an order for Pre', I pray that it is here before ovulation. I also hope that my body is still ovulating on its own, I haven't taken OPKs since April 2010, days before I found out I was pregnant. Once I get more OPKs I will post some pictures so that I can keep it as a reference.

As for now, I think this is all I have to update, I have to be at work at 4:30A and its now almost 11:30P.

Yet another year passes......

As I type this, I try to hole back the tears....


Another year for the books, more tears that were shed, more heartache and broken promises. The past week I have been in an emotional bubble and couldn't find a needle to just pop.

December 24, 2010 was the first due date my doctor gave be before my ultrasound. I can't believe that I would have probably had my baby by now, if I hadn't miscarried in May. Sometimes I day dream about how if things were different......what our baby would look like, what clever nicknames we would have for our miracle, what life would be like with all night feedings and cat naps to try to get the energy to even cook. Oh, how I wish my life were that way right now. I would give anything to have one more chance, and a doctor that would have listened to me when I told him I wanted to get on medicine.

......oh, boy! Here come the tears.....................

I can not believe that it has been almost 6yrs since hubby and I have decided to have a baby. Where has the time gone! More importantly, please God tell me what I need to change to finally have our long awaited miracle. I have grown closer to You, than I have ever been in my 24yrs of life. Sometimes I feel like this is a horrible nightmare that I will wake up from, no matter how much I want it to be the case I know its not. I can only pray for our miracle and continue to keep faith.

I know in my heart that God has a miracle in my future and all I could do is try to be patient......

Nightmare on TTC Street... 10/30/2010

This week has been one crazy yet mainly horrible week. Started out band and now that its Saturday I hope it starts to change. Oh, and to top it off Friday (yesterday) my laptop gave up working. I called Jessica to see if Ben can look at it. I hope its fix able. :-/

On to my cycle....bfn! Nope not pregnant what's new right?!?!? Today I am actually on CD3 AF isn't supposed to show until today or tomorrow but she actually showed up early on Thursday. How I wished and prayed on everything that I would have gotten pregnant...

There's not much more to say. I am upset and sick of it all. Time for bed and praying for a better start tomorrow!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

MIRACLES DO EXIST...... 10/26/2010

Today I met Kassie's &Mando's princess Kaylee she is so perfect and precious! She was born October 25, 2010 at 3:07PM 6lbs 11oz and 23inches long (all from memory Kassie if you read this please correct me if I am wrong). I know what they went through to have her. I have been and still am in their foot steps.

Yesterday when Mando updated me about her water being broke, being 6cm, then 7-8cm, and getting the delivery table ready I was in tears! I have never felt like that for someone before, this time it was different. This time I was not jealous because Kassie was pregnant and not me, this time I did not 'forget' about the baby shower. This time I was there for her as soon as I found out. It didn't matter that at that time I was pregnant, what mattered was the struggle she endured to get where she is at now......a proud mommy!

When I met this precious angel I held back the tears and was in complete awe! I felt like I was in heaven and no one or nothing could bring me down. At first I didn't want to hold her so soon in fear that I would just cry my heart out but after a while I couldn't resist. My heart completely melted in more ways than I can keep track of. For once I was truly moved by such a great gift from God. Don't get me wrong I am always moved by these gifts but this time it was different that its just to hard to explain. Kassie if you ever read this I think you know what I am saying.

The whole time being there with Kassie, Mando and princess Kaylee I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. Even though she isn't mine she has be wrapped around her heart. I feel that much closer to our miracle.

Today I would have been 30wks pregnant and on the final count down to the arrival of our miracle. Unfortunately God had other plans for our angel. At times I get very sad and shut people out about what's going on my mind and other times I try to hide what's going on deep down inside to make others laugh. But not a day goes by that I don't think about what would have happened if things were different. Maybe God was trying to tell me something or maybe God just wanted me to think differently about my past. Whatever it is I am still searching for the answers. Though I am better now with giving thanks to everything and I feel like my relationship with His has gotten stronger than it has been before. I don't know maybe that is what He wanted me to do before I can reach the next step. Now I look at life differently and changed for the better mentally.

I know one day God will put His miracle working hands over us so that we finally have our long awaited baby. I will never give up faith in His powers, even though sometimes I feel like giving up something in the back of my mind/heart won't let me truly shout down all hope/faith.

With the birth of Kaylee I have gotten that reassurance that MIRACLES DO EXIST.......its just that mind is waiting for the perfect time. I will continue to go strong no matter what because in the end it is all well worth it.

"The longest journey begins with a single step..."

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!
2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®