The story of my life...

Well today is just another day I guess...

At 12:50AM, while at Denny's with my best friend Marlena I went to the bathroom for the umphteen million time today. And when I wiped I seen mucus discharge with red-orange spotting. For the past few days I had my doubts about being pregnant. Well now I am convinced!

Ugh! The story of my life I guess!

So according to some insensitive people, I am supposed to be used to it and not feel so hurt. Because I don't have any (living) children, I don't know what hurt and frustration is when I see negative pregnancy tests month after month. WRONG!!!

I have been TTC for going on 5yrs with NO known 'issues'. I have cried so many times, blamed the world, given up so many times, shut the world out, rebelled, and many more. So how can someone that has NOT been in my shoes know how or what I feel? (Someone mind you that has been TTC for about a year, has a child, and refuses to seek help). Yea, so now you know why I brought it up. UGH!

I am going to end this because if I don't I know I will start calling people out. And I am not here to do that. I make this blog for myself and my followers. I am here to get my emotions down so that when I start that new chapter I can look back and be thankful (not like I wouldn't be) for everything God has blessed me with.

Good night and God bless!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The longest journey begins with a single step...

Today is CD7 so AF started 4 1/2 days late and decided to show her ugly face last Sunday.  I honestly cried, I thought I was going to be okay with not being pregnant because we only baby danced twice last cycle.  But deep down inside side me when AF was late I seriously got my hopes up.  

It was weird because I actually has symptoms that I haven't had in the past before AF was going to show.  they were:

-oily skin on my forehead and nose

-increased sex drive

-craving tuna all the time (I really don't like tuna to the point where I will crave it at all)

-hard to figure out what will satisfy my hunger

-dull cramps

Once I went over these symptoms when I was on CD33 (3/11/2010) and being that I was late, that right there set off the alarms in my body and mind to actually think I was pregnant.  Even though the pregnancy tests can back negative I still had that little thread of hope.  

So when she came it hit me like a tin of bricks!  Now I am over that phase and decided to at least TTC for this cycle.  I have been keeping up with my temps as well as I am going to be doing the OPKs and checking my cervix.  

So there you have it we are still trying for the time being...

I am done!

This is hard for me to type while I fight the tears, I don't want my hubby to see me like this.  He is in the next room watching TV and I am here on the laptop.

This has been one fucked up battle with trying to get pregnant!  I am tired of all the let downs!  I am tired of being 'alone' in this, I have no one that is close to me that I can turn to (other than my hubby).  We have been through so much and for what!  To see everyone else in the world get pregnant.  I tried to hold a positive attitude about this but I am exhausted and feel like I can honestly sleep the rest of my life away.  I feel this is no longer my battle to win but to add on the wall of shame.

I am seriously sick and tired of it all.  I have not talked to my hubby about this and am terrified to do so.  I don't want to fail him as a wife but at the same time with us getting our hopes up I am only hurting him even more than just walking away from the disappointments.  I don't know where to begin to explain to anyone or myself why I have choose to take the loosing route, but I feel it is for the best.

I know right now I feel like this but in a few months who knows I may change my mind...believe me that has happened to me in the past.  I in my heart really don't want to give up but my mind is telling me to let go.  I am stuck between a dark spot in my life and trying to find that light at the end of the tunnel (if it even exists).  I just wish it was easier than it is said than done.

Who knows after I sleep it off I may just wake up feeling better about myself and continue the battle.  This is a hard call to make.  I am going to 'sleep' on the thought and update when I wake up.  Hopefully I feel better, I just wish there was an easier way to know what our future holds.

...until next time...


(TO BE CONTINUED)

Waiting on AF

Today would of been CD1 (seeing as my cycles are 31 days), but AF has yet to arrive. I took a pregnancy test on CD30 and it was negative so I just think its because the month of February was short.

I am praying that if I am not pregnant (I am hoping for a false negative too) my cycles don't become irregular. It is hard not to get my hopes up either. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So we will see what is to come. I am hoping for the best and pray that I find the strength that I need to continue my journey.


LETS GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!



Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Life doesn't go as planned...

Looking back at the past 7yrs with my husband I have realized that the plans, goals, and dreams we have had are just thoughts in our minds.  As the years pass it gets harder and harder to make them come true.  By now if we didn't have a miscarriage in 2005 we would have had a 4yr old running around, and who knows maybe another one too.  But life doesn't always turn out the way that we want them too.

Here we are going on 5yrs of Trying To Conceive with false hopes, broken hearts, stress, tears, and loosing faith.  It shouldn't be this hard to accomplish our dreams, I mean come on now! We are not studying to be a doctor or an Astronaut!  We are trying to have a baby, that for some comes in a blink of an eye.

Yesterday i finally admitted to myself that this is putting a lot of stress on my marriage and faith in my religion.  I have over the years gotten closer to God that I have ever been with in the past.  In the past if you were to ask me if I believe in God, I would tell you, "I believe in Him, but I don't always agree with Him."

Until yesterday I didn't really know what that meant until I was filling out a form for my church and that is when it hit me hard.  God will not always give us what we want, He will make us work for it and the more precious it is the harder He will challenge us.

But here are my questions, why would God challenge us so hard that it will consume our lives, and question our faith?  Wouldn't God want us to reflect on our challenges vs blaming our challenges on Him, not loving us enough to give us what we believe we deserve?  Why would he push us to the point that we blame not only ourselves but our spouses as well?

In getting this out in the open I am going to set an appointment up with Father David for sometime this week or his next available day to go over my concerns, questions, and doubts in my faith.  I know in my heart (rather it'd be realistic or a fantasy) that we are going to be a family and finally have the baby that we have been preparing for.

I think I just need that reassuring nudge in the right direction (if that makes any sense).  In the mean time I will do daily reflections in prayer and hope that it will teach me how to look at every challenge that God puts before me and realize that it is only building my relationship with Him vs against Him.

My cousin and daddy told me that Father David said in his homily yesterday, "We all have wolves in us battling-a good and a bad."  bringing me to my reflection for today, I am going to battle this evil I have deep within and prove to myself that I no longer need to look at the bad in everything but rather look for the good and embrace it.  In saying that I am going to try with all my heart to feed only the good.


Saturday, someone came to my door to get me to convert to another religion (something I will never do).  After a brief explanation of his religion and me denying the invitation, he asked me something that has stuck to me.  he asked, "Do you believe when you die will you go to Heaven where life is eternal."  I had to think about that but quickly said YES.  Then he asked me "How do you know that?"  It took me by surprise but I quickly answered I know my family will pray for me to find my home to God's Eternal Garden.  Then he said, "We should never relay on someone to push us in the right direction, we should in our hearts want to be there.  We are not perfect for this we sin, no man on this earth hasn't ever sinned. We are all humans and we shouldn't deny the fact that we have sinned, but rather reflect on it, and confess our sins to Him."  He then asked me if I have ever sinned and I said yes, I am not perfect and he said.  "Exactly!  God is the only one that has never sinned and he knows that we are going to make mistakes and he will always forgive them.  So we shouldn't automatically think that we can shut him out of our lives and expect for us to go to God's Eternal Garden when we die when we have denied his presence all along."


In this man saying this to me (and it couldn't be at a more perfect time in my life) I have reflected in my actions over the years of trying.  I have come to realize by me taking advantage of my body and not listening to it when it has told me I needed a break that someone bigger than me will help me realize that.  And that wonderful person is GOD.  No one else in the world knows what he has planned for me but HIM.  All I can do is work on my relationship with Him and build a better understanding of what he is trying to teach me in my everyday life.  


Everyday I wake up and take my temperature, when I check my body for possible signs of ovulation, or waiting to find out if we have reached our next goal I will do this with a smile in my heart.  Because God woke me up that day and taught me my time will come.  








LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!

A long awaited update

Isn't it funny how I do updates frequently then all of a sudden out of no where I go missing?

This time it is very different, believe me I tired to update numerous times.

Let's review shall we:

-the end of January we decided to move.
-we got approved for this apartment in which we are at now on January 29th only 5 days after we decided to move.
-we had to give the old landlord a 30 day notice so I was running all over town trying to get a notarized letter and serve it to him.
-February 2nd we signed the contract for this apartment. And started moving things over.
-through out the first 2 1/2 weeks of this month we were bringing things over little by little.
-instead of using boxes for everything I just bought plastic bins and filled them with things and bring them to our new apartment and unload it.
-my birthday was on the 21st and we had a birthday party on the 20th for my niece and nephew.

This list doesn't begin to cover our daily activities. Which would bore you. So you see we have been busy.

Anyways so its estimated that I ovulated on CD16 which was the 22nd. As of now I am in the 2ww, this cycle I was doing my temps and using my monitor but with the move I just got way too busy. If I did ovulate on CD16 then as of now on February 26th I am 4DPO.

I keep forgetting that I am in the 2ww because I really didn't chart and we literally only baby danced twice. If we do in fact get pregnant than I would be due in November. I pray that this is it for us, but only God knows for sure. I have Faith in Him and know my time is soon to come.

So let's see what else is there to update on? ...I have posted a few videos the last few days on YT feel free to check them out:

http://www.youtube.com/LYDISANC21

Oh, I forgot to mention that I watched 16 & Pregnant for the first time. The first two I watched where okay not too much drama. But the last one with Jenelle was a train wreck! I really wanted to grab her and smack her upside the head! Tomorrow and over the weekend I am going to go online and catch up a little. We will see how that goes.

As for now I am going to leave it at that. Have a great weekend and stay safe!

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

I will NOT be defeated!!!

Today is CD1 at first I though I would take it hard (as I have always in the past), but that was not the case. I honestly took it way better than ever before.  I surprised myself, instead of shedding some tears and hating the world, I looked at the positive side of things.

The first thought that came into my mind was; 'hey my 2ww  was the normal 14days even though I O'ed later,' another thing was 'I know that I O'ed and my cycles are normal, I AF didn't go MIA and I would have to stress about being irregular.'   Even though we have been TTCing for 52 months, I actually looked at the plus side of things.  I am going to try to keep that up.

As far as this new cycle I am sticking to my game plan from last cycle.  Also, I have been thinking of adding the 'Sperm Meets Egg Plan.'  I KNOW that soon I will be announcing my pregnancy. I guess you can say that is keeping me sane and helping me keep a positive out look on life.

We are in the process of moving so that is keeping me busy and hopefully keeping the TTC stress to a minimum.    I know that this new start will bring us to new beginnings.

Well that is all for now, I just wanted to let you know that I am on CD1 and I have FAITH that SOON we will be announcing a pregnancy!

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!