Waiting on AF

Today would of been CD1 (seeing as my cycles are 31 days), but AF has yet to arrive. I took a pregnancy test on CD30 and it was negative so I just think its because the month of February was short.

I am praying that if I am not pregnant (I am hoping for a false negative too) my cycles don't become irregular. It is hard not to get my hopes up either. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So we will see what is to come. I am hoping for the best and pray that I find the strength that I need to continue my journey.


LETS GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!



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Life doesn't go as planned...

Looking back at the past 7yrs with my husband I have realized that the plans, goals, and dreams we have had are just thoughts in our minds.  As the years pass it gets harder and harder to make them come true.  By now if we didn't have a miscarriage in 2005 we would have had a 4yr old running around, and who knows maybe another one too.  But life doesn't always turn out the way that we want them too.

Here we are going on 5yrs of Trying To Conceive with false hopes, broken hearts, stress, tears, and loosing faith.  It shouldn't be this hard to accomplish our dreams, I mean come on now! We are not studying to be a doctor or an Astronaut!  We are trying to have a baby, that for some comes in a blink of an eye.

Yesterday i finally admitted to myself that this is putting a lot of stress on my marriage and faith in my religion.  I have over the years gotten closer to God that I have ever been with in the past.  In the past if you were to ask me if I believe in God, I would tell you, "I believe in Him, but I don't always agree with Him."

Until yesterday I didn't really know what that meant until I was filling out a form for my church and that is when it hit me hard.  God will not always give us what we want, He will make us work for it and the more precious it is the harder He will challenge us.

But here are my questions, why would God challenge us so hard that it will consume our lives, and question our faith?  Wouldn't God want us to reflect on our challenges vs blaming our challenges on Him, not loving us enough to give us what we believe we deserve?  Why would he push us to the point that we blame not only ourselves but our spouses as well?

In getting this out in the open I am going to set an appointment up with Father David for sometime this week or his next available day to go over my concerns, questions, and doubts in my faith.  I know in my heart (rather it'd be realistic or a fantasy) that we are going to be a family and finally have the baby that we have been preparing for.

I think I just need that reassuring nudge in the right direction (if that makes any sense).  In the mean time I will do daily reflections in prayer and hope that it will teach me how to look at every challenge that God puts before me and realize that it is only building my relationship with Him vs against Him.

My cousin and daddy told me that Father David said in his homily yesterday, "We all have wolves in us battling-a good and a bad."  bringing me to my reflection for today, I am going to battle this evil I have deep within and prove to myself that I no longer need to look at the bad in everything but rather look for the good and embrace it.  In saying that I am going to try with all my heart to feed only the good.


Saturday, someone came to my door to get me to convert to another religion (something I will never do).  After a brief explanation of his religion and me denying the invitation, he asked me something that has stuck to me.  he asked, "Do you believe when you die will you go to Heaven where life is eternal."  I had to think about that but quickly said YES.  Then he asked me "How do you know that?"  It took me by surprise but I quickly answered I know my family will pray for me to find my home to God's Eternal Garden.  Then he said, "We should never relay on someone to push us in the right direction, we should in our hearts want to be there.  We are not perfect for this we sin, no man on this earth hasn't ever sinned. We are all humans and we shouldn't deny the fact that we have sinned, but rather reflect on it, and confess our sins to Him."  He then asked me if I have ever sinned and I said yes, I am not perfect and he said.  "Exactly!  God is the only one that has never sinned and he knows that we are going to make mistakes and he will always forgive them.  So we shouldn't automatically think that we can shut him out of our lives and expect for us to go to God's Eternal Garden when we die when we have denied his presence all along."


In this man saying this to me (and it couldn't be at a more perfect time in my life) I have reflected in my actions over the years of trying.  I have come to realize by me taking advantage of my body and not listening to it when it has told me I needed a break that someone bigger than me will help me realize that.  And that wonderful person is GOD.  No one else in the world knows what he has planned for me but HIM.  All I can do is work on my relationship with Him and build a better understanding of what he is trying to teach me in my everyday life.  


Everyday I wake up and take my temperature, when I check my body for possible signs of ovulation, or waiting to find out if we have reached our next goal I will do this with a smile in my heart.  Because God woke me up that day and taught me my time will come.  








LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!

A long awaited update

Isn't it funny how I do updates frequently then all of a sudden out of no where I go missing?

This time it is very different, believe me I tired to update numerous times.

Let's review shall we:

-the end of January we decided to move.
-we got approved for this apartment in which we are at now on January 29th only 5 days after we decided to move.
-we had to give the old landlord a 30 day notice so I was running all over town trying to get a notarized letter and serve it to him.
-February 2nd we signed the contract for this apartment. And started moving things over.
-through out the first 2 1/2 weeks of this month we were bringing things over little by little.
-instead of using boxes for everything I just bought plastic bins and filled them with things and bring them to our new apartment and unload it.
-my birthday was on the 21st and we had a birthday party on the 20th for my niece and nephew.

This list doesn't begin to cover our daily activities. Which would bore you. So you see we have been busy.

Anyways so its estimated that I ovulated on CD16 which was the 22nd. As of now I am in the 2ww, this cycle I was doing my temps and using my monitor but with the move I just got way too busy. If I did ovulate on CD16 then as of now on February 26th I am 4DPO.

I keep forgetting that I am in the 2ww because I really didn't chart and we literally only baby danced twice. If we do in fact get pregnant than I would be due in November. I pray that this is it for us, but only God knows for sure. I have Faith in Him and know my time is soon to come.

So let's see what else is there to update on? ...I have posted a few videos the last few days on YT feel free to check them out:

http://www.youtube.com/LYDISANC21

Oh, I forgot to mention that I watched 16 & Pregnant for the first time. The first two I watched where okay not too much drama. But the last one with Jenelle was a train wreck! I really wanted to grab her and smack her upside the head! Tomorrow and over the weekend I am going to go online and catch up a little. We will see how that goes.

As for now I am going to leave it at that. Have a great weekend and stay safe!

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

I will NOT be defeated!!!

Today is CD1 at first I though I would take it hard (as I have always in the past), but that was not the case. I honestly took it way better than ever before.  I surprised myself, instead of shedding some tears and hating the world, I looked at the positive side of things.

The first thought that came into my mind was; 'hey my 2ww  was the normal 14days even though I O'ed later,' another thing was 'I know that I O'ed and my cycles are normal, I AF didn't go MIA and I would have to stress about being irregular.'   Even though we have been TTCing for 52 months, I actually looked at the plus side of things.  I am going to try to keep that up.

As far as this new cycle I am sticking to my game plan from last cycle.  Also, I have been thinking of adding the 'Sperm Meets Egg Plan.'  I KNOW that soon I will be announcing my pregnancy. I guess you can say that is keeping me sane and helping me keep a positive out look on life.

We are in the process of moving so that is keeping me busy and hopefully keeping the TTC stress to a minimum.    I know that this new start will bring us to new beginnings.

Well that is all for now, I just wanted to let you know that I am on CD1 and I have FAITH that SOON we will be announcing a pregnancy!

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!! 

On my mind...

Ready to write off this cycle...

Ready to call it quits...

Ready to say I am no longer a fighter...

Ready to announce I will let myself be defeated...

Ready to give up this 4yr battle...

Ready to walk away from it ALL...

Ready to say I've had enough and let this piece of crap get the better of me...

I am just ready to end it all...

I am seriously thinking about letting myself waste away and not do a thing about it. I am so exhausted from this so called 'challenge'. I seriously hate this situation I am in especially when others that don't deserve what I want get it easier than me. And for what...to destroy a life...to murder the innocent...throw away God's miracle that other fight to have.

After this cycle I think that I am going to consider walking away from it all. Depending on how 'strong' I feel...
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Sick of it al...

I am tired of all the let downs, all the tears, all the frustration, tired of all the charting, sick of wasting money on crap that should 'help' get me pregnant...

SICK OF IT ALL!!!

Why is it so easy for others around me to get pregnant? And yet here I am 4yrs of trying and nothing is happening?!?! Why can't it be easier for us all.

I have been told MANY times, 'in the end it will all be worth it'. But that doesn't guarantee that in the end I will have a baby in my hands. That doesn't guarantee that I won't go bankrupt trying to get my miracle.

I know God only gives us what we can handle, but I don't know how much more of it I can handle. It has been 4yrs too long! Every day I pray for my miracle, every day I feel that pain in my heart, everyday I shed a tear, every day I feel resentment to those that have it easier than I do.

I can tell you this my faith is being tested. Many times I have thought about throwing in the towel, but for what?!?!

I just pray my time is around the corner. This has affected my marriage, my life, relationships. I just want to be able to hold my head up high and shout, 'I am NOT defeated!!! I have won the battle!!! I am pregnant!!!'

But will that day ever come? Will my dreams ever come true? Until then all I can do is pray and hope it does...

LET'S GET PREGNANT!!!

2010 IS OUR YEAR!!!


Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Uncalled for comments!

***This posting was originally wrote on 12/18/2009 I just needed to get this off of my chest and by me publishing it I feel that it will help me do that.  This IS a blog on venting so you do not have to read it (the choice is yours).***


Don't you hate it when people around you tell you to 'just relax' and it will happen?  Or stop reading all the books, quit charting, quit doing the ovulation tests, when it's your time to have a baby it will happen?  Do you need a surrogate, if so I can be one for you?  Here's another one:  you replaced having a baby with getting a dog?

These are the questions that I hear many times in my life, some come from family and some come from acquaintances.  I am getting sick and tired of people around me thinking that I am the reason why I am not getting pregnant and they feel that they have to put their two-cents in , what gives them the right to try to tell me how to live my life?!  To top it off I got a rude and uncalled for comment from a family member yesterday it is so rude that I am going to share it with you:

"oh, you got a dog because you haven't gotten pregnant yet? What you two are not trying anymore?"


WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?!?!?!  I mean come one people think before you speak!  Seriously!!!  Oh, and that isn't all she had the nerve to say it in front of my husband, which REALLY (beeped) me off!  I kindly (which was hard BTW) responded:

"No, we have had Petty (my dog) since 2004 when he was born.  He is NOT a replacement for not having a baby, he is part of our family and we consider him a child to us.  That does not mean that I have given up trying to have a baby."


I have to apologize ahead of time because this posting might get a little ugly, while writing this I am getting filled with the anger I had yesterday.  Sorry.

Here is my take on this and my beliefs:

1.  This person should of kept their mouth shut!  They have not been part of my life and never made a point to   be.

2.  I do not appreciate people around me coming to conclusions about my life and my golas.

3.  Unless a person is a part of the conceiving part, they have NO SAY in what I choose to do to get to my goal.

4.  This person has not made it a point to be in my life nor has cared to be.  So I don't see why its any of their business what I am doing.

5.  People like this need to be punched in the face!

6.  People like this need to keep their mouth shut!

7.  People like this needs to stay out of my life!  Because next time (family or not) I WILL set the record straight!

Granted that these are only a few points I wanted to make, I think I got my point across.  I feel a little better now and I think that by letting this off my chest I can breath.  Sorry if this post made you uncomfortable, but I just really need to vent.