Trying to hold it together

January 5th was supposed to be my due date....NOT a time for me to worry about charting, TTC, or the heartaches that last year had in store for us. I was a fool to get happy and 'attached' right away. I should of not gotten my hopes up. I have spend so many nights crying my heart out. You know, it is not true what they say, "with time it will get better." It hasn't, and I don't think it will. Our miscarriages have changed my life forever. Now whenever I have a BFP or TTC I have that fear in the back of my mind, the fear that no one should ever have, the one where you go home with empty arms and a heart full of love that has been sucked out of you in the matter of seconds. I know this may seem like I am severely depressed, but writing this is actually helping me relief some of the stress on my mind. One day I pray and have faith that God will answer our prayers. That is what is helping go on and get stronger.

I have told myself many times not to get depressed to just keep my head held high, but I am not as strong as I thought. Now that I am working, I can escape my life for a few hours a day so that I can just be someone else. Someone who is not hurting, someone that is stronger than the next person. I sometimes catch myself smiling and think to myself, "Wow! I didn't know I had it in me to smile." It is the greatest feeling in the world, and when I get home I tend to carry that happiness with me. My husband has been there for me like no other, I know that I can turn to him with my eyes full of tears and he will just hold me close. No matter how much I have failed him as his wife and mother of his Angels, I know that he loves me and that he is here to make me feel better.

You know the other day we were sitting on the couch and we were talking about (God willing) the future, and he turns to me with this smile on his face and in his heart and says, "Baby this is the year." I teared so much that I smiled inside, he has been keeping a positive outlook on this all when I have been here thinking of all the pain. I am trying my hardest to change that, I was doing so good in the beginning, but then I grew weak. I have made a promise to myself on January 1st, that starting on my birthday next month I will be doing a 365 day project. I am not sure if it will be pictures or just short entries, but I will be doing this so that I can keep a positive outlook on life so that next year, (God willing), I can look back and be proud of what I have done.

Now on to the TTC part of my entry, today is CD9, AF started on December 30, 2010. I took it so hard, that I just emotionally shut down. It was hard for me to even get out of bed on CD2, all I wanted to do is crawl in a ball and sleep. On CD7 I bought some OPKs from WalMart and yesterday I placed an order for Pre', I pray that it is here before ovulation. I also hope that my body is still ovulating on its own, I haven't taken OPKs since April 2010, days before I found out I was pregnant. Once I get more OPKs I will post some pictures so that I can keep it as a reference.

As for now, I think this is all I have to update, I have to be at work at 4:30A and its now almost 11:30P.